If We Could Program Networks, This is How We Would Do It

From the Office of Unasked-For Advice

MEMO

To: Major network news divisions
CC: Minor network news divisions
RE: Counter-programming options for Nov. 27 and Nov. 29

To Whom it May Concern:

It has come to our attention recently that proper counter-programming measures are not being taken, or considered, for the nights referenced above. On those evenings, many (though not all) Fox affiliates plan to air an “interview” of O.J. Simpson, conducted by the publisher of his forthcoming book, Judith Regan.

For those of you who have insisted on keeping your heads beneath rocks, despite our previous memos detailing why such actions are bad ideas (see “Promoting Katie Couric’s Ascension to Network Anchor, Unnecessary Hype Of”), Simpson will detail just how he would have killed his ex-wife Nicole and her friend Ron Goldman, if he had been the one to do it.

That Simpson character, he does have quite the vivid imagination.

This “interview” (or as we like to call it, “electronic press kit”) may or may not be a sign of the end of civilization. With luck, it will garner a 0.0 rating, and prove that we have been correct in our previous assumptions that the American viewing audience can be underestimated.

In order to ensure that the rating not only hits basement, but creates the mythical negative ratings point, it is crucial that the heads of our news divisions get off their duffs and consider just what they plan on airing during that time period. And no, we do not recommend a Walt Disney movie, even if the folks at ABC insist on trotting out “Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl” once more.

We at the Office, instead, suggest this: Find those jurors. You know, the ones who – depending on your point of view, either a) stunned a nation by ignoring the facts in the O.J. Simpson trial or b) stood up for endemic racism in the American judicial system by giving a finger to the facts in the O.J. Simpson trial.

Once they have been found – you only need perhaps two or three, which means every network should be covered – sit them down. Go over the timeline again. Restate just who O.J. was back in the day. Take your time – “Dateline” producers, please advise your colleagues at “60 Minutes” and “20/20,” since you’ve long been able to drag out a story that should take 20 minutes into a solid two hours – and ease into things.

Then, hit them with what we really want to know:

Knowing what you do now, most particularly in light of recent events, do you feel you rendered the correct verdict?

It’s a win-win situation, folks. Support of the verdict is explosive, and may cause their families to ask them to seek professional help. But even better would be if you found just one juror who had second thoughts. Get that money quote! Something like this:

“Well, you know, I thought I was doing the right thing at the time. But I’ve had years to think about this. And you know, if I had to do it all over again – I’d say the man was guilty as sin.”

Money! In! The! Bank!

Plus, you give viewers who want to exercise some kind of opposition to Fox’s programming a show to actively choose to watch. Pull them in with this kind of timely commentary – not another “Law & Order” or “CSI” rerun.

We appreciate your attention to this matter, and eagerly await your collective responses the Monday following Thanksgiving.

Regards,
Office Manager Randee Dawn