Past Deadline

Victoria Beckham Becomes a Summertime Snooze. Your Job: To Try and Possibly Care Less

Hot off the presses (or something): Victoria Beckham (aka Posh Spice) will be tailed by cameras and microphones in a new six-part NBC reality series coming this summer that promises to "give viewers an exclusive inside look at Beckham's glamorous life as she makes the move across the pond from London to Los Angeles." It comes from Simon Fuller ("American Idol") and his 19 Entertainment.

Oh yeah, that ought to be a total smash. Why does this strike me as, like, the worst idea since the McRib Sandwich -- and the most unfortunate British export to hit NBC since "Coupling"? It's like, "Oh my God, there she is on Rodeo Drive again! What a glamourpuss she is!" Oy.

One report have Beckham, following her soccer superstar hubby David to Los Angeles, cutting a deal for nearly $20 million, which, if true, is downright astonishing. Then again, Fuller -- who logged time managing the Spice Girls back in the day -- already landed the husband a $250 million deal. Conclusion: everybody has lost their mind.

Here's the press release, just issued (and again, do your very best to quell that enthusiasm):

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

VICTORIA BECKHAM SIGNS POSH DEAL WITH NBC FOR A NEW SUMMER REALITY SERIES -- FROM THE PRODUCERS OF "AMERICAN IDOL" -- SPOTLIGHTING HER GLAMOROUS NEW LIFE IN LOS ANGELES

    BURBANK – February 28, 2007 -- Victoria Beckham (aka "Posh Spice") has signed a deal with NBC for a new reality series from Simon Fuller's 19 Entertainment ("American Idol"), which will give viewers an exclusive inside look at Beckham's glamorous life as she makes the move across the pond from London to Los Angeles.  The six, half-hour episodes are slated to premiere this summer.  The announcement was made today by Kevin Reilly, President, NBC Entertainment Publicity.

"The series will give viewers a glimpse into what makes Victoria so popular and admired as one of the most glamorous women in the world," said Reilly.  "She makes news wherever she goes and our audience can now become insiders in this fascinating personal view of what being 'Posh' truly represents."   

Said Beckham, "I am so excited to be making this show for NBC with Simon Fuller.  He has so much success around the world with his TV shows and the respect and trust of everybody he works with.  This show is really something different, it's pushing the boundaries and I think it's going to surprise a lot of people."

Added Fuller, "For the past few years, I've been inundated with requests to make a show based on Victoria's real life.  After much thought, we have finally decided to do it.  NBC will be our partners.  Both Kevin Reilly and Craig Plestis have been extremely supportive in allowing us to do something a little different.  This show will cross all genres and hopefully will pleasantly surprise a few people!"

Beckham burst onto the scene as a member of the hit 90's all-girl super group The Spice Girls.  Known around the world as "Posh Spice," the elegant and confident member of the ensemble, Beckham sold millions of albums worldwide with the group before it disbanded in 2001. She went on to become an accomplished solo artist with such hits as "Not Such an Innocent Girl" and "This Groove/Let Your Head Go On."  In  1999, she married soccer superstar David Beckham and quickly they became one of the world's most celebrated couples.  In 2004, Beckham turned her attention to fashion, designing VB Rocks a line of high-end jeans for Rock and Republic. Most recently, Beckham launched her own jeans label called DVB Style as well as her own line of sunglasses and perfume.

The currently untitled series will be produced by 19 Entertainment, a fully owned subsidiary of CKX, Inc. (NASDAQ: CKXE).  Simon Fuller ("American Idol") and Kim Fuller ("Tracey Takes On") are the executive producers.  Simon Fuller and Victoria Beckham are represented by Creative Artists Agency.             

Right Wing Springs Its Own Gore-y Post-Oscar Surprise

In the interest of fairness and balance, Fox News-style, I am obliged to report that the conservative blogosphere is all agog (blog/agog -- get it?) with the report that Al Gore's suburban Nashville, Tennessee estate burns through more than 20 times the gas and electricity of a typical American home in a year.

Of course, it also has 20 bedrooms and 8 bathrooms and may well find 15 or 20 Gore family members, friends and employees living and working under its roof at any given time. What we're talking about here is really more akin to a high-end motel than a private residence. And I mean, you didn't think the former Veep and his peeps were gonna be off living in a shack, did ya?

Be that as it may, if true -- and it evidently is -- this is a devastating disclosure for a man whose film "An Inconvenient Truth" just took home an Oscar in the feature documentary category pn Sunday. "Truth" is of course a cautionary tale of the creeping global warming crisis that instructs American citizens to cut back on their energy consumption in the interest of saving the planet.

The watchdog group known as the Tennessee Center for Policy Research stresses in a press release that while the average household in America consumed some 10,656 kilowatt-hours per year, according to the Department of Energy, the Gore casa goes through nearly 221,000 annually, or slightly more than 18,000 kWh each month. Gore's average monthly electricity bill is said to be $1,359.00, and the center claims Gore's use rose nearly 2,000 kilowatt hours per month since the release of "An Inconvenient Truth."

ABC News contacted Gore spokesperson Kalee Kreider, who didn't dispute the center's figures -- taken as they are from public records. But she pointed out that both Al and Tipper Gore work out of their home and argued, "The bottom line is that every family has a different carbon footprint. And what Vice President Gore has asked is for families to calculate that footprint and take steps to reduce and offset it."

Huh? Carbon footprint? I thought that was something left behind by Bigfoot. This feels like a big "Uh oh." And the hardly coincidental timing naturally couldn't possibly be worse.

Clearly, what we have here is tremendous propaganda fodder for global warming opponents and conservatives in general. Maybe the Gores ought to think about going solar or something. I mean, what would Ed Begley Jr. do? At the very least, he'd have to be inspired right about now to sing the Muppets anthem, "It's Not Easy Being Green."

Summing Up the Academy Awards Viewing Experience

Now that I've had, like, 16 hours or so to digest last night's Oscar telecast, some reflective thoughts:

--Ellen DeGeneres is getting panned all over the place for her job as host, and I think it unfair. She did fine keeping the show moving along and had some legitimately funny moments interspersed. Her rug-vacuuming comes to mind. She was low-key and funny. Not-ha-ha funny, but, you know, just fine. Where I'll agree with the critics is that her monologue was unusually restrained and without teeth. Ellen seemed so determined to make nice and be liked that she was too nice, too respectful, too affable. A little mean is okay. There was zero mean last night. Put another way, she appeared a bit intimidated by the room. Not nervous. Just intimidated. A talk show host somewhat out of her element. But again, this was not a bomb. Ellen fulfilled her commitment with smoothness and charisma. And it was admirable to watch a host who had so clearly checked her ego at the door. She made sure it wasn't all about her. There is something undeniably gallant about that, even if it might be rightly argued that she blended in perhaps too much.

--I think someone needs to sit presenter Clint Eastwood down and inform Mr. Oscar-Winning Filmmaker that it wouldn't hurt next time he has to read a TelePrompTer in front of hundreds of millions of people to 1. Bring his glasses, or, failing that, 2. Memorize his script in advance. It wouldn't have been that tough. It was only about a minute or so of material. He's an actor. He could manage it. Instead, by failing even to put forth the minimum effort in preparing for such a high-profile gig, he showed a measure of contempt for the very institution that's been the most kind and generous to him. How does he pay the Film Academy back? By coming across as a guy who couldn't be bothered to make like a true professional.

--What was the deal with composer Ennio Morricone's giving his acceptance solely in Italian? The telecast, and Eastwood himself, seemed to be caught offguard to gauge the reaction. And then to have the guy blather on for so long was simply weird, particularly with Eastwood struggling to translate. Perhaps we need to redefine that whole concept of "When in Rome...". It sounded like Rome, but I believe it was really still Hollywood.

--Sorry, but 3 hours and 50 minutes for this thing to have run is way too long to have to stomach in the MTV Age (or, frankly, during any age). Speaking of age, you could actually feel yourself doing it as this Oscarcast ground forward. Note to Laura Ziskin: You need to trim back on the production numbers and particularly the tributes. This is still supposed to be an awards show, not a song-and-dance revue or industry retrospective.

--I didn't mind the four-minute opening film from Errol Morris that featured more than 100 of the year's nominees. It was the only opportunity most of them would have to utter a word during what may have been the biggest night of their lives. Yes, it felt a tad repetitive and the music may not have been the best choice. One critic called it "The world's longest Gap commercial." But I thought the spirit in which it was crafted was sound (honoring the people being honored), and to my mind it proved a simple, elegant touch that felt entirely appropriate.

--Along those same lines, I will never understand the need to play winners off by striking up the orchestra after 45 seconds, a practice applied inconsistently but often militantly on Sunday. Let's say that all 24 winners went 1:15 over their allotted time and went for two full minutes (not really all that long for someone enjoying his or her greatest-ever professional moment). That's 30 minutes, tops. A lot of them wouldn't exceed 45 seconds or even 30. So let's say, at most, allowing the winners to go as long as they desired without getting the hook might add 25 minutes to the broadcast. That time could easily be compensated for by cutting out the lame presenter banter and slicing back on the incessant clip packages.

I'm often dumbfounded by the notion that an awards show isn't supposed to be about hearing the people who just won the awards. If they're so obsessed with cutting back time, why not just fling the trophies into the audience via catapult and dispense with the speech thing altogether? Or forget making it a live event and just hold it on the Internet, shipping out the trophies via Fed-Ex after the fact? Then they could change the name to the "Fed-Ex Academy Awards" and rake in an extra bundle in endorsement cash.

--The most intriguing moment of Sunday night didn't happen during the Oscar telecast but on the Internet, via the newfangled "Thank You Cam" that afforded winners extra time to give thanks on Oscar.com. Helen Mirren, basking in the glow of her Best Actress triumph for "The Queen," stared straight into the camera and gave thanks to "my agents...and my lawyer for making a good deal. Well not so good, but never mind." How much do we love this woman?

--What was the whole idea of this having been the first Oscarcast that was "green"? Did they feed the tuxedos into a recycling machine after the parties last night? Was the air conditioning at the Kodak Theatre somehow made into a renewable resource? And how about those limousines -- all hybrids? Just askin', is all.

(Photos courtesy WireImage.com)

And So It Begins: Past Deadline's Night @ The Academy Awards (Actually, I'm Merely Sitting In Front Of a TV Set Just Like You -- Who Am I Kidding?)

A night spent with Oscar and his friends:

4:46 p.m.: I very much want to strangle KABC entertainment reporter George Pennacchio. Is that so wrong?

5:35 p.m.: This has to be one of the best openings ever, with apparently every nominee having a moment to say something or give thanks. Brilliant. Simple. Elegant. Fun. A perfect way to launch. Kudos to Errol Morris for making it.

5:37 p.m.: Ellen DeGeneres comes out in red velvet. As Borat might say, Niice!

5:40: Ellen is so good at putting people at ease. And joking about it. "A billion people are watching...And I'm here to make you relax."

5:44: You've got to love the gospel singers rolling through the seats. It's such an Ellen-esque touch. Her monologue was good. Not great. Almost restrained. She wasn't trying to knock anyone's socks off, and she didn't. But it was fine. It was adequate enough. It was Ellen.

5:47: Oh, here comes the "Pan's Labyrinth" sweep. Just as I predicted. So "Art Direction" goes, so goes the Oscars. I've always said that. Actually, I think I've only been saying it for 30 seconds or so. (Whew. Good save.)

5:55: Will Ferrell. Jack Black. John C. Reilly. Singing. This IS an amazing time to be alive.

6:12: This Hollywood Sound Effects Choir is a revelation. Who needs computers when ya got human beings? How completely cool this is. Never thought sound effects could be a high point. But already, repeatedly, this show is proving me wrong. I almost don't want it to be interrupted by the awards.

6:15: Do I CARE about sound editing? Actually, no. But I really want "Apocalypto" to lose for, well...personal reasons.

6:16: "Apocalypto" loses. I'd like to thank the Academy.

6:19: No big shocker. When you think of "Dreamgirls," I think it's sound mixing that springs to mind. (But the limit appears to be two acceptance speeches per winner. If you try to sneak in a third, be prepared to pay with an orchestral interruption.)

6:21: Oooh, oooh, they're handing out Supporting Actor. I wish I cared about it as much as I do Sound Mixing.

6:23: Yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Alan Arkin wins. I KNEW he'd get it over Eddie Murphy. Someone leaked me the winners in advance. (Joke.) The "Little Miss Sunshine" sweep is on.

6:25: That's the most moving speech read from a piece of paper that I've ever heard. Right on, Al.

6:26: No one does audience semi-improv like Ellen -- particularly when she's pitching a screen play to Martin Scorsese. But the little interstitials with dancers and guys posing like Oscar statues heading into commericals -- lame!

6:30: A pretty damn good show so far. Not hugely eventful, but everything is just kinda clicking. We're an hour in, and I have no massive urge to toss a brick through the television screen. That in itself is mighty impressive.

6:32: I think it only fair that Randy Newman be asked to share some of his hair with James Taylor.

6:33: Are they just going to bunch all of the best song nominees together or what? In any case, hearing Melissa Etheridge singing the tune from "An Inconvenient Truth" has me pondering what a different country this would be had Al Gore actually been able to serve as President after having won the popular vote.

6:37: What does Leonardo DiCaprio mean that this was the first time the Academy Awards telecast has gone green? Does the name Kermit The Frog mean nothing to them?

6:38: Now THAT was a great Oscar moment with the band striking up and interrupting Gore's faux Presidential candidacy announcement. I love it. But wait a second. I'm confused. Does that mean he's running or not? I want a recount. Or at least, a re-staging...with a different result.

6:40: Oh my God! We're an hour and 10 minutes in, and I just realized they've given out, what -- five awards? Oh my. This is going to take a while.

6:43: As I said before, the "Happy Feet" sweep is on. Oh, wait, that's its only nomination. Well, I guess it swept all of its categories then. This is a surprise for sure, beating out a Pixar flick in "Cars." Those penguins will surprise ya. Cold, but calculating.

6:45: I'd have never thought to introduce Ben Affleck as "Academy Award-winning screenwriter Ben Affleck." It's accurate, of course, but seems kind of a stretch. Did it really happen, or was that in an alternate universe?

6:48: Wow. A smooth little clip-package salute to writers. Who are they gonna honor next -- craft services managers?

6:51: Nice touch, having Tom Hanks and Helen Mirren reading the stage direction leading into the scenes in the adapted screenplay nominee intro.

6:52: "The Departed" gets it for its screenplay. As everyone had expected. Next up: Marty wins for directing it, of course, or the Earth stops spinning on its axis.

7:01: That was a funny moment with Meryl Streep and her mock-stern response in the audience. That woman can act. I wonder if she's ever considered trying to make a career of it. I think she'd honestly have a shot.

7:03: "Marie Antoinette" wins for its costume design, of course. (I had "The Queen" in the Oscar pool.) It goes to underscore the old adage that if you feature a lot of characters wearing bizarre stuff on their head during a period way back in history, you're pretty much a shoo-in. But then, you already knew that, didn't you?

7:06: Tom Cruise is introducing ex Paramount chief Sherry Lansing for an honorary award. I'm counting the seconds until he plugs Scientology.

7:10: That Sherry Lansing is one classy broad. Is it OK to say "broad" or are you now quietly crossing me off of your "blog must-reads" checklist?

7:11: Ellen is taking pictures with Spielberg and Eastwood. She's like a magician when she works these crowds from the inside.

7:12: Yowzah! Gwynyth Paltrow is a vision. I mean, she's no Ellen, but still pretty gorgeous.

7:14: Did I hear wrong, or did the guy who did the cinematography for "A Night at the Museum" just win an Oscar? And when did "Pan's Labyrinth" become an Oscar dynamo? This is starting to get weird. I never even saw the thing. It was, like, based really loosely on Peter Pan, right?

7:18: I am SO not gonna win the Oscar pool. In fact, I think I'm doing so badly I may need to pay a you-sucked-really-badly penalty of some sort.

7:22: "Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest" wins for visual effects. God, I thought "Poseidon" had this one locked up, for the visual effect of having actually somehow made it into theaters.

7:25: Why does Catherine Deneuve get on my nerves so much? I always feel like she's trying to do an Inspector Clouseau impression but can't quite pull it off.

7:26: Oh my God. I can't understand Deneuve or Ken Watanabe at all. What language is this supposed to be? I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound elitest or anything, but can we get people who don't mumble to introduce the international clip package next time?

7:30: Think "Pan's Labyrinth" has foreign language film in the bag?

7:31: No! It doesn't. What the...? "The Lives of Others"? Dang, these things can surprise ya. Not me necessarily. I didn't see any of these movies, though I often act as if I have to appear somehow clued-in. Whoops! Did I just think that or actually write it?

7:32: The orchestra is getting too quick on the trigger. Can we let the guy accepting the foreign-language Oscar just tell his wife he loves her, for crying out loud? Is that extra 10 seconds going to send the show intolerably over its allotted 17 hours and 47 minutes?

7:35: Time to hand the supporting actress statue to Jennifer Hudson. Right?

7:35: Yep. Take that, Simon Cowell!

7:37: Jennifer Hudson is now getting played off right at 45 seconds in her speech. Let these people talk! Why is an awards show about if not the winners? Oh yeah, right...it's about the commercials. I'd love just once to see the band play over the last 5 seconds of an American Express ad. Unfortunately, that also would be the end of television.

7:43: Well of course "The Blood of Yingzhou District" was going to win for docunentary short. Entertainment Weekly hasn't been able to shut up about it for months, and in Vegas it was less than even money.

7:45: Jerry Seinfeld is doing stand-up! "As a nominee, we want to get you all dressed up in a suit and see the look on your face in case we decide you're not the best." He also gets to intro the documentary feature nominees, aka The Al Gore Sure Thing for "An Inconvenient Truth."

7:48: And here comes Al Gore once again to help Davis Guggenheim with the acceptance speech. Not a good moment for the Bush Administration. Wild guess: The orchestra won't cut off Gore.

7:49: Al is short and sweet. I don't care if he runs or not. I'm voting for him, dammit.

7:51: Clint Eastwood is stumbling all over the place in his intro of Ennio Morricone. Next time he'd better wear his glasses, as he muttered to himself. Or take a couple of minutes to memorize the speech. I mean, how tough can it be?

7:56: And now here's Celine Dion singing the world premiere of "I Knew I Loved You." Question: if she knew she loved him, why does she feel the need to sing about it? It's not like a surprise or anything. However, Celine looks good and sounds in fine form. She isn't trying too hard. And best of all, she isn't singing "My Heart Will Go On."

8:00: Okay, 8 o'clock. Only 3 hours to go.

8:01: Ennio Morricone is speaking Italian. And Clint Eastwood is translating. This is proving less than a stellar and riveting combination.

8:02: Wouldn't you know. The guy speaking in a foreign tongue doesn't get played off by the orchestra.

8:03: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

8:04: Is that a commercial I see? Oh glory.

8:09: And Jack Nicholson is bald...why? I guess ultimately, every Hollywood star turns into Yul Brynner.

8:11: Wow. Film Academy president Sid Ganis really did keep his comments under a minute. Good thing, too, or his pre-filmed segment would have been...you know...played off by the orchestra. Why? Because he isn't speaking Italian, the only apparent safeguard against being unceremoniously yanked prior to the one-minute mark.

8:12: It's time to hand out the original screenplay trophy. It had better be "Little Miss Sunshine" and not "Pan's Labyrinth."

8:14: Right on Michael Arndt for "Little Miss Sunshine"! That probably means, of course, that it ain't winning "Best Picture." That's how it works, you know. Trust me. I've bever been nominated. I know.

8:15: Michael Arndt's acceptance speech: blah. It's why writers are writers and not orators.

8:16: We're only two-thirds of the way through the categories and nearly 3 hours into the telecast. This thing is going over four hours for sure. I can already hear the TV sets getting clicked off in Jakarta -- that is, if they were ever actually clicked on in the first place. They yak about the 1 billion worldwide viewers, but I've done some research. It's a crock. Closer to about 175 million. They really don't have many Oscar parties in Shanghai and New Delhi, honestly they don't.

8:22: That Jennifer Hudson, nice pipes. She didn't win on "American idol"? What were Simon, Paula and Randy and the American voters thinking?

8:25: Why do they have so many songs and clip packages and trappings but the winners have to shut their yaps seconds after beginning to speak? Isn't this called an awards show? Let 'em talk for 2 minutes if they want. I don't think our stature as a superpower much suffers if they do. I also don't think nearly as many viewers tune out as they'd fear.

8:27: And this Broadway-style song is going to end...when? Bring back the Italian guy! Anything!

8:28: I think John Travolta just referred to himself as a full-figured woman.

8:29: Who knew "An Inconvenient Truth" was all about the music?

8:36: Why do we need a salute to Michael Mann? He isn't even nominated for anything this year. But God forbid we hear a winner's entire speech. I know I know...shut up Ray, you're a broken record. But the orchestra can't play me off of my blog! Ah ha ha ha ha! Ah ha ha ("Ba-ramp dum da-dum"...) Hey, I ("Dah-doh-dee-pa-turmp...").

8:36: Hey wait a minute! They can't play me off! It's MY blog! Mine! Mine I tell you! Mi ("Da-dum, fa-rum, ta-tumm...)

8:38: Please don't play me off again. I'll behave.

8:40: Screw that! When is this superfluous Michael Mann tribute gonna end? Grrrrrrrrrr......

8:43: Nice to see a class act like Martin Scorsese's NYU film school classmate Thelma Schoonmaker win for film editing on "The Departed." She's Marty's secret weapon. And in mere minutes, Marty will join her in the winner's circle. If he doesn't, it'd have to be because of the hanging chads.

8:50: Wondering if I'll find out who wins Best Picture before Halley's Comet makes its next pass.

8:51: Ellen is still funny, and in yet another handsome and colorful outfit (this one midnight blue, no doubt to correspond to the hour when the show is likely to end).

8:52: Ooh, Best Actress time. I jar myself from the stupor. Helen Mirren, get those legs ready.

8:54: Helen Mirren! You're kidding?

8:55: Is there a classier human on Earth than this woman? Talk about a graceful, inclusive, humble, perfectly-crafted speech. And then to top it off with an Oscar-upraised salute to the Queen herself. For a single shining moment, Hollywood's ageist treatment of actresses takes a hike. I say we just give this thing to a British actress every year. They're better than we are, you know, even if their cuisine is grotesque. Bangers and Mash? Good God, I don't even want to know what that is.

9:00: Ellen DeGeneres is vacuuming the rug. I love this woman. She has this gig pretty much nailed. "Someone dropped their rolling papers...oh, it's the band." That's the way you do it.

9:02: Best Actor is up. Gotta be Forest Whitaker. Just gotta. The only thing working against him: I have him in the Oscar pool.

9:04: Forest emerges through the trees. He's appropriately nervous up there, as we'd all be. Can you even imagine? Pretty much everyone you'd ever known, watching you and hanging on your every word?

9:05: Whitaker is one intense guy. There will be no playing him off. Good thing he remembered to thank his wife. Can you imagine the conversation at breakfast tomorrow morning if he hadn't? "You thanked the entire population of Uganda...but not me?"

9:07: Spielberg, Coppola and Lucas handing out the director Oscar. So cool. And then to have Lucas whine because he's never won. A nifty touch.

9:08: Get ready for your long-delayed closeup, Marty.

9:09: Scorsese gets the biggest standing ovation of the night, predictably and appropriately. He is The Man, after all.

9:10: Cut Marty off, Mr. Oscar Telecast Director! Cut him off! (Let me go check the temperature in hell.)

9:11: You see, Scorsese spoke for two minutes, the orchestra took a temporary vow of silence, and we're all still here and none the worse for it. Miracles can happen. Spread the word.

9:12: Only Best Picture to go? Man, I guess we're coming in under 4 hours after all.

9:13: I think this is gonna be "Babel." Could be "The Departed." Love it to be "Little Miss Sunshine." The suspense builds. And builds. And...

9:14: And it's...THE DEPARTED. And Jack Nicholson himself got to read it. Some interesting synergy, that. Boy, talk about Marty's night: best director, screenplay, picture. Was it really that good? Well, put it this way: far better than "Crash." I'm feeling OK about this. Not that anyone checked with me or anything. They rarely do.

9:17: And then it was over. It ran 3 hours and 47 minutes but seemed like...3 hours and 47 minutes. Wait, what's that noise? Oh, it's my 18-year-old daughter and her best friend jumping up and down and squealing after "The Departed" win. Why? "Because the guy who accepted the award said Leonardo DiCaprio was good!" my daughter explains. "Omigod! Omigod! Omigod!". Meet your future target audience, Film Academy. And good luck.

9:20: Oh wait, the credits are still rolling. It has now run for 3 hours 50 minutes. I hope they can sneak the rest of 'em in in under 10 minutes.

9:21: 3 hours 51 minutes.

9:22: 3 hours 52 minutes. Is there still time to get Eastwood and the Italian guy back for a final word? No, it's really finally done. It's all over but the 4 hours of interminable Oscar party coverage and a full Monday of post-mortems. All in all, it was too long, of course. It usually is. My rule of thumb: if it's longer than "Titanic," they need to cut it back. But except for the hair-trigger orchestra and too many clip packs from producer Laura Ziskin, it was a decent show because Ellen was here to puncture the bloated pomp with timely mirthful interludes.

9:25: Signing off. I've gotta go check on the Oscar pool. I could be, like, $200 richer. More likely, I'm not. Let's just say that "The Departed" could be the title of my relationship to cash.

My Oscar Picks (Because Man Cannot Live By Winners Alone)

I am habitually lousy at predicting these things -- I think I got, like, two of them right at the Emmys -- but for some reason I feel compelled to share my lack of knowledge and expertise in a public forum. So here goes nothing. Remember, if you follow my picks for your own Oscar pool, you'll probably wind up cursing both me and anyone who looks even remotely like me.

BEST PICTURE: Should Win: "United 93" (but it isn't nominated); Will Win: "Babel" (because it's so "Crash"-like in its perspective).

BEST ACTOR: Should Win: Forest Whitaker, "The Last King of Scotland"; Will Win: Forest Whitaker. C'mon, just hand the thing over already.

BEST ACTRESS: Should Win: Helen Mirren, "The Queen"; Will Win: Helen Mirren. One of the easiest calls in Oscar history.

SUPPORTING ACTOR: Should Win: Alan Arkin, "Little Miss Sunshine"; Will Win: Alan Arkin. I know, I know, Eddie Murphy is supposed to have this one wrapped up for "Dreamgirls." But I think enough voters will have seen "Norbit" and thought, "Hmmmmm...I don't think so."

SUPPORTING ACTRESS: Should Win: Jennifer Hudson, "Dreamgirls"; Will Win: Jennifer Hudson. There isn't enough competition to derail this freight train. Possible upset: Adriana Barraza for "Babel."

DIRECTOR: Should Win: Paul Greengrass, "United 93"; Will Win: Martin Scorsese, "The Departed." Everyone knows this is Scorsese's year, but this isn't the film who should be winning for. He should have won for "Raging Bull" and "Goodfellas." Greengrass turned an almost incomprehensibly grim topic into a harrowing but spectacular study of courage under fire.

ADAPTED SCREENPLAY: Should Win: "Children of Men"; Will Win: "The Departed." "Men" was horribly depressing but scintillating in the telling.

ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY: Should Win: "Little Miss Sunshine" Will Win: "Little Miss Sunshine." The little movie that could will wil here, not for Best Picture. I think.

DOCUMENTARY FEATURE: Should Win: "An Inconvenient Truth"; Will Win: "An Inconvenient Truth." The industry wants to see Al Gore speak at the Oscars, so this is a must. However, I add that "Deliver Us From Evil" is so chilling and well-constructed it deserves to win something.

We Will Be Blogging the Oscars Live. Don't Try To Stop Us. Resistance Is Futile. And When We Say 'We' and 'Us,' We Of Course Mean the Competing Voices in Ray Richmond's Head

Yes, I will be blogging here live diary-style throughout tonight's 79th Annual Academy Awards beginning about 5:15 p.m. or so, reporting a bit on the festivities prior to the show where commentators habitally and continually embarrass themselves with their deplorable ignorance of both the nominated films and the nominees themselves. We will be poking merciless fun at all of that, but doing so respectfully, as we are, after all, associated with a major Hollywood entertainment trade daily (actually THE major Hollywood entertainment trade daily, if your must know).

Oh who am I kidding? There will be little respectful about what I write here tonight. This is a blog, after all, the Latin term meaning "To demean with arrogance and impunity." Therefore, in point of fact, it's more than merely a job; it's a mandate. So stop by here often during the show. I'll do my best to lend a little perspective to the Oscar telecast while only occasionally insulting your intelligence.

The excitement is building. Can you feel it? If not, don't worry. I think there's a medication you can take for that. I'll go check and try to fill you in after the show.

Tonight's Big Event: The 27th Annual Golden Raspberry Awards, Live @ MSNBC.com

I so totally and completely love this. The Golden Raspberry Awards, those kudos that honor the worst achievement in film during 2006 (and figure this year to recognize Sharon Stone in a big way for a mistake called "Basic Instinct 2"), take place tonight at 7:30 live from Hollywood's Ivar Theatre.

But here's the really cool part: for the first time, you can experience the glory that is the Razzies without having to actually be there. You can watch a live streaming Webcast via the 'Net at MSNBC.com thanks to NBC Media Productions. Cooler still, the production team promises to capture the all of the splendor with wondrous downscale beauty. The mode of transmission: four cellphone cameras positioned backstage, onstage, around the stage and nowhere near the stage. It is very much as the Razzies should be.

My good friend Chip Dornell, a comedian and writer who will be performing at the show, puts it into perfect perspective: "This is the best decision MSNBC has made since it started posing headlines in the form of a question." Truer words were never spoken.

Catching Up On the Good, the Bad, (the Weird) and the Ugly

These are strange times here in the Land of Dreams, and strange times call for strange roundup blog items assessing the good, the not so good, and the curious. Like this one. It's a multi-parter, but I promise not to rant too heavily in any one area. Okay, one maybe. Not two.

--Item: Anna Nicole Smith's body begins to decompose amidst legal wrangling over her remains. Reaction: Yes, the Broward County medical examiner's office is telling Howard K. Stern and Smith's mom Virgie Arthur and presumed baby daddy Larry Birkhead to hurry it up and figure out where to bury her because her deteriorating body will soon make presentability during a memorial service extremely challenging. This is so gut-churning as to be unfathomable, not to mention like the subplot of a black comedy. How would you like to have your resting fate decided by the Three Stooges and a camera-pandering judge with designs on his own TV show? I'm smelling an update of "Weekend at Bernie's."

--Item: Paul McCartney's estranged wife Heather Mills to compete in season four of ABC's "Dancing With the Stars" along with Vincent "Big Pussy" Pastore, Leeza Gibbons, ex-NBA star Clyde Drexler and Billy Ray Cyrus. Reaction: Welcome to Hell. I'm sorry, Heather Mills? It's been requested that I make no "leg up on the competition" jokes. But I think this may have less to do with the fact Mills has a disability than that she's going through a particularly nasty divorce with a global icon. We won't be rooting for the one-legged dancer. After being dismissed as a golddigger and a witch looking to take McCartney down, a lot of viewers will no doubt be hoping she takes a spill or two.

--Item: Rainn Wilson of "The Office" to host "Saturday Night Live" this Saturday (2/24). Reaction: We give thanks, Lorne Michaels, and will now remember you in our will. Wilson -- the mega-intense but bumbling Dwight Schrute on the NBC comedy -- is a superstar waiting to happen, a hugely underrated talent who has proven the perfect comic foil for Steve Carell. It's about time he lands in the center of the spotlight on a national stage.

--Item: "American Idol" producers Ken Warwick and Nigel Lythgoe to serve as executive producers of this year's Primetime Emmy Awards telecast on Fox. Reaction: I can just see it now: Simon Cowell chiding host Conan O'Brien: "You call that a joke? You disgust me, you smarmy little freckled pustule!" Honestly, if the producers of the show that's keeping your network in business agree to lend their magic to TV's annual night of self-congratulation, you make sure each gets his own stretch limo to drive them each day to rehearsal.

--Item: Satellite radio rivals XM and Sirius agree to merger pending approval by federal regulators. Reaction: If the feds want competition for the iPods of the world, they'll allow these two to exist and have a chance at survival by merging their bottom lines and stemming the red ink flow. If they don't care, they'll block it. I think they'll let it go forward, since it wouldn't seem to be in anyone's best interests to have satellite radio die. On the other hand, it still doesn't seem like an essential thing to have. Therein lies to real issue: public apathy, not governmental roadblock.

--Item: Keith Olbermann signs new four-year contract to remain at MSNBC, also hosting two primetime specials a year on NBC and contributing occasional essays to "NBC Nightly News with Brian Williams. Reaction: There is a God. Olbermann, while undeniably verbose at times, is nonetheless the sharpest and most nimble and eloquent voice working in network news. NBC News is smart to appreciate the jewel they've got. Olbermann was taking rhe Bush Administration to task long before it was fashionable, and no one does it with greater passion and intelligence.

--Item: Fox News Channel debuts "satirical" series pilot "The Half-Hour News Hour" from that wellspring of comedic know-how, "24" executive producer Joel Surnow. Reaction: Did you happen to catch it on Sunday? I did. I'm still waiting for the comedy part to kick in. This was evidently designed as a "Daily Show" for conservatives, except that "Daily Show" doesn't play favorites. It picks on both parties and only skewers the right with greater frequency because it happens to be the party that's in power. But forget all of that. Why is a "news channel" making an alleged news satire in the first place? Isn't that sort of like the Food Network doing a show about bulimia?

Then again, this was a spoof minus any semblance of actual humor. It was simply an excuse to bash the Dems with an especially smug smirk and a particularly cloying laughtrack. Even getting recorded people to snicker at this had to be an immense challenge. I'd tell Fox News to stick to news, except that it doesn't really do that too well, either, demonstrating roughly as much balance as a gymnast tumbling off a balance beam. It is, however, a smooth transition for Surnow. He already has a taste for torturing terrorist suspects and Jack Bauer on "24." Here, he's torturing viewers! Nice synergy, that.

I Know What I'll Be Doing 156 Days From Now

This latest two-minute trailer for "The Simpsons Movie" (opening July 27) is singularly brilliant -- both a parody of over-the-top trailers and a superb appetite-whetting piece of entertainment in its own right. A lot of people have been wondering what the "Simpsons" producers can do in a movie that they can't on TV and if that alone justified the big screen treatment. This trailer helps to answer that question, demonstrating that even those who find the show to be tired and wanting in Season 18 might just be wowed anew by what appears to be a master stroke from a legendary comedy franchise.

If you're a "Simpsons" fan and this trailer doesn't make you want to run out and see the movie yesterday, well, your senses may not be operating at full efficiency. This is already starting to feel like "Springfield of Dreams."

Yes, I'm the same guy who yammered that the show may have jumped the shark back in late October following an abysmal Halloween episode. But there's no law that says a show -- or at least the film version of it -- can't climb back onto the shark for a couple of hours in a communal setting over popcorn.

Television -- Better Than the Movies? Deal With It

Newsweek makes a very compelling case for the fact that TV has eclipsed film in overall quality in this provocative piece in the current issue of the magazine. While acknowledging that "film has always been the Four Seasons to television's Motel 6," only intransigent film snobs would argue that's still the case as the small screen enjoys an undeniable renaissance.

The examples cited in the Newsweek piece by Devin Gordon: the cinematic scope and storytelling of ABC's "Lost" (at least during its first season); the underappreciated HBO drama "The Wire," which he calls "a sprawling, visual novel about the decline and fall of an American city"; the dynamic production style of "24"; and the "lacerating" comedy of NBC's "The Office." And while the author acknowledges that making broad generalizations about TV versus film runs the risk of sounding as though one is "comparing apples and tubas," his point that in the main TV is "running circles around the movies" is well taken.

Even the biggest buzzworthy film of the past year, "Borat," evolved out of the HBO series "Da Ali G Show." Another point the piece makes: here we are in Oscar week, and what are the hot films in theaters? The Eddie Murphy-in-a-fat-suit comedy "Norbit" and Sony's comic book adaptation "Ghost Rider" (which wasn't screened for critics).

And it isn't as if there's much of a gulf anymore between those creating for film and television, as Gordon stresses. Spielberg is doing a reality show for Fox. Alec Baldwin and Steve Carell hop between screens big and small with ease. Paul Haggis and Bobby Moresco went from producing last year's Best Picture Oscar winner ("Crash") to creating the drama "The Black Donnellys" for NBC (which premieres next Monday).

Last, TV now appears to be the true writers medium, film the medium of directors and FX wizards. That doesn't make movies a lesser creative realm, simply one bound by a mentality tied at the highest level to budget and turning a profit over artistic considerations (as Brian Grazer himself emphasizes in the Newsweek piece). My take: I wholeheartedly agree with Gordon. Too many movies are bogged down in the technical and the pyrotechnic. I'm not into films based on comic books, or sci-fi/fantasy mumbo-jumbo. So there's not a lot out there targeted to me (my favorite movies of the past year: "United 93," "Little Miss Sunshine," "Borat," "The Departed," "For Your Consideration").

The list of addictive TV shows, by contrast, is limitless: ""The Sopranos," "24," "The Office," "The Daily Show," "The Colbert Report," "Rescue Me," "The Simpsons" (still), "Entourage"...it goes on and on. Yeah, there's plenty of unmitigated crud, too. But in the main, TV need carry the mantle of second-class citizen status no longer.