Meanwhile, Back On the Titanic...

So imagine my surprise to have woken up today (which yesterday was still considered tomorrow) and...there was the sun, bright as, well, sun. I bet my bottom dollar and the gamble paid off. In plain view on the newsstands and doorsteps of our fair metropolis, it emerged: another edition of The Hollywood Reporter, defying a whole slew of predictions in the wake of the announced departure Monday of editor Cynthia Littleton and deputy film editor Anne Thompson to work for a competitor whose name begins with "V" and rhymes with "Mariah sneezed!" The rumors of our demise? Greatly exaggerated. We're the Rocky Balboa of trade journalism! (But not the last "Rocky" -- like, "Rocky III" say.)

No sooner did word filter out than we were sounding a "death rattle" as a "leaky ship getting worse every day" that was no longer considered competition. (Thank you, blogosphere.) This is all simply bull, of course. We've taken some solid shots to the jaw of late, to be sure, but I've a pretty good feeling we're in this for the long haul after having already logged 77 years as a Hollywood institution. You know? I understand that we remain a moneymaking enterprise, which is not how one typically defines a publication purportedly shaking the death rattle (which I'd thought was something you gave to particularly bratty babies at playtime).

This paper is going to turn things around and come back with a vengeance. True, I'm not what one might describe as an unbiased observer. But there are cycles and ebbs and flows to this game. If you play things right and keep your eye on the ball, you forge a new identity and generate momentum. It's always safe and trendy to pile on the one who's weakened by evolution and attrition. I've been known to do it myself even. But mark my words: the Reporter will return fire soon enough. It ain't over until the fat rotund x-large fully-loaded lady female gender-uncertain person sings (sorry, gotta do what I can to remain politically expedient).

Of course, the know-it-all who already has emerged as Speculation Central through the early hours of this bewildering fog is none other than Nikki Finke of Deadline Hollywood Daily blog and L.A. Weekly column fame. Finke is your garden variety enigma: brash, opinionated, plugged-in and utterly fearless. She can be an exceptional reporter, one of the best and surely most ambitious. She can also be notoriously aggressive and antagonistic to the degree where it's become part of media lore, as anyone who has been on the receiving end of her wrath (including I) can attest.

I actually have spoken to Finke on the telephone numerous times and have found her not unlikeable. But she tends to take the policing of her image somewhat obsessively. She responds to any perceived attack by phoning the superiors of those who write what she considers to be inaccurate or slanderous comments to methodically refute them, invariably winding up successful in getting the posts removed or stories killed. Finke thus inspires a certain measure of fear, to the point where it serves as a highly effective deterrent.

Why do I bring this up now? Because this item posted Monday on Finke's DHD blog proved too ludicrous to let pass. (Sorry Nikki. I know you may now feel the need to call and threaten. However, I'm feeling oddly impervious and indomitable today. So fire away.)

Headlined "H'Wood Reporter Seeks 'Big Name' Editor" (the quotes around 'Big Name' are hers, seemingly chiding her own speculation), she suggests that our parent company Nielsen Business Media -- mistakenly referred to by the previous handle VNU -- "should get bold by thinking out of the box: choose somebody prominent from showbiz whose hot career has cooled." Why would it be out-of-the-box thinking to woo a professional who has fallen on lean times? I believe this might be closer to Jack in the Box thinking.

Continues Finke: "Let's get candid here: a trade isn't real journalism anyway. So re-establish the Reporter as the print and online place for softball coverage of the studios and networks and agencies, and as the friendly trade where no pesky questions are asked and press releases are run exactly as written. The town will love it..."

First off: "...a trade isn't real journalism..." Oh, but a woman sitting at her computer all day in her bathrobe (unconfirmed) tossing out wild theories is somehow journalism? This is very much the pot calling the kettle black. And yes, we are journalism -- not in the most traditional sense, but far more so than the trades used to be and the overwhelming majority of TV news remains.

Now then: "Softball coverage...?" "The friendly trade...?" "No pesky questions...?" Hey, Nikki, you know, I've been thinking it over and you just may be onto something. I feel like giving it a trial run right here this very minute just to see how it plays -- what say you? I mean, who needs respect when you can be humored? I've always wanted to work for the friendly trade (new logo idea: a huge smile-y face set inside the Hollywood Sign and a cartoon bubble that reads, "We (Heart) Everybody!"). I think there's just way too much negativity in this big bad ol' world, don't you? Why, you could coach us in the finer points of courtliness, affability and decorum! Pinch me! I must be dreaming!

And check out this here sneak peek at your softball/lame-o-rama/"Access Fluffywood" proposition:

--"The wealthy and extremely handsome News Corp. genius Rupert Murdoch today announced the righteous and necessary diversion of 2,200 staffers to 'post-employment' status so as to allow each individual to pursue his or her dream of uncompensated self-sufficiency, effective immediately. All hail the great one! Is he a phenomenal, powerful hunk of man for his age or what?"

--Excerpted from a Q&A with Tom Cruise: Hollywood Reporter: "How can one man be so good-looking and so talented? Does it ever baffle you how so much perfection managed to be concentrated in a single human being?" Tom Cruise: "Yeah. It does. (Laughs) I have to admit, it really does. (More laughter) Yes. Yes. Yes." Hollywood Reporter: "Psychiatry sucks and Scientology rules. Isn't that right?" Tom Cruise: "Oh, God yes. So true. That's why I'm going to change the name of United Artists to Artists Allied With Our Immortal Supreme Leader L. Ron Hubbard." Hollywood Reporter: "Wow. It's about time." Tom Cruise: "Yeah. It is. It SO is. (Laughs)"

--"Reps for the guilds overseeing actors, writers and directors joined hands with talent representatives for CAA, UTA, William Morris and numerous other agencies on Tuesday, swaying to gospel music while celebrating the news that agents will beginning on July 1 have their standard client fee doubled to 20%. Feelings of love and solidarity flooded the room. And we reporters were not immune, breaking down in wailing emotional torrents ourselves."

Anyway, Nikki, I'm honestly quasi-giddy and borderline confident that this featherweight suck-up strategy has some teeth (false ones, at least). Feel free to share any further insipid ideas for the paper's future that happen to intrude on your synapses. But please do me a favor and let's keep the lawyers out of this. They're so incapable of grasping that whole friendly thing, don't you think?

At least I feel at this point like I have this fake journalism gig reasonably well wired. And I'll keep you posted on the Reporter's search for Bigname (no relation to Bigfoot). Maybe we can even create a reality show around it! Try this one on: "Newsroom Idol." You know, like "American Idol" after a grump-ectomy. Genius, I tell ya.

Comments

[Lance Mazmanian]

Funny, I seem to remember the "enlightenati" predicting a quick and spiral doom for Tom Cruise and Mel Gibson, too.

March 2007 and all is well, baby.

L.

[Jennifer]

Nikki NEVER predicted doom for Gibson's career. Richmond on the other hand, just prayed for it.

[OldOldLady Of The Hills]

The Hollywood Reporter is an Institution! It will never go under, Pray God! I myself have been a subscriber for over 50 years....! Yes! And I wouldn't miss a day of it----in fact I am lonely for it on Weekends....!
I don't know who that lady is but, I'll bet on the Reporters life-span continuing on for at least another 70 odd years!
Keep us informed Ray, please....!

[Lance Mazmanian]

Jennifer:

I wasn't actually referring to Nikki, specifically...just making a general observation.

In Ray's case, regarding The Hunt for Mel Gibson: Ray needs sandwiches administered every half hour, or so. During the Gibson thing, someone ran out of olive bread...

L.

[Jennifer]

Well done Lance!