Griffin never revealed man behind the curtain

Merv Griffin was gay.

There. Is that plain enough for ya? No gossip, no scandal, no snickering behind the back. Just reality. Why should that be so uncomfortable to contemplate? Why is it so difficult to write? Why are we still so jittery even about raising the issue in purportedly liberal-minded Hollywood, in 2007? We can refer to it casually in conversation without a second thought, but the mainstream media still somehow remains trapped in the Dark Ages as relates to the gay label. Even in the capital of entertainment -- in a business where homosexuality isn't exactly a rare phenomenon -- it's still spoken of in hushed tones or, more often, not at all.

Maybe that helps explain why Griffin, who died Sunday at 82 from prostate cancer, stayed inside the closet throughout his life. Perhaps he figured it was preferable to remain the object of rumor and smug ridicule rather than live openly as "one of them." But how tremendously sad that a man of Merv's considerable gifts, of his gregarious nature and social dexterity, would feel compelled to endure such a stealthy double-life even as the gay community's clout, and its levels of acceptance and equality, rose steadily from the ashes of ignorance.

I'm not at all insinuating that Griffin had a responsibility to come out. That was up to him and him alone.

But what a powerful message Griffin might have sent had he squired his male companions around town rather than Eva Gabor, his longtime good friend and platonic public pal. Imagine the amount of good Merv could have done as a well-respected, hugely successful, beloved and uncloseted gay man in embodying a positive image.

As it was, I loved the guy, finding him charismatic and charming, as I pointed out repeatedly in posts here over the weekend. And also as mentioned, I had more than a passing acquaintance with Merv, having worked as a talent coordinator/segment producer on "The Merv Griffin Show" in 1985-86 as the talk show was winding down its lengthy run. Around the office, the boss's being gay was merely a fact of life, understood but rarely discussed (and certainly never with him). We knew nothing of his actual relationships because he guarded his privacy fiercely, and it didn't behoove us to pry.

I can't think that I'm "out"-ing Griffin here. His being gay was well known throughout the showbiz culture, if not necessarily the wider America. I also don't believe the revelation at all taints his legacy, unless we are to buy into the notion that there remains shame in homosexual behavior. That only applies to the homophobes among us. But Merv came out of a generation that overwhelmingly believed there was something very wrong with being gay, and thus he never felt free to rise above sneaking around like a common cheat. That was the only shame in this equation. In being gay, Merv was what he was, but was never permitted in his mind to freely express it.

It's an interesting question, but one on which I side with disclosure. Particularly after someone passes, should their "secret" die with them? To my mind, when the media is fearful of raising the gay issue for whatever reason, it serves to further fuel the shame concept, not puncture it (that is, if it's fact, as it is in this case, and not mere conjecture). One can also say this was nobody's business but Merv's, but that isn't actually true. Griffin was a public figure whose sex life -- which played a significant role in defining him, as it does most of us -- was swaddled in concealment. Like it or not, that is part of his story. I have to think even Merv himself would be OK with having such a burdensome deceit taken off his back at last.

Over the past 16 years -- in the wake of a pair of lawsuits filed against him in 1991, by "Dance Fever" host Denny Terrio alleging sexual harrassment and by assistant Brent Plott seeking $200 million in palimony -- Merv consistently deflected questions surrounding his sexuality with a quip. He certainly didn't owe us any explanation, but you might conclude he owed it to himself to remove the suffocating veil he'd long been forced to hide behind. Then again, Merv carved his niche in the entertainment world in an era when being gay wasn't OK, when confession was unthinkable and the allegation alone could deep-six one's career.

If you're Griffin, why would you think a judgmental culture would be any more tolerant as you grew into middle and old age? Too, Merv's twin brushes with tabloid scandal in 1991 no doubt only drove him further into the closet. And while it might seem everything has changed today, little actually has. You can count on the fingers of one hand, or at most two, the number of high-powered stars, executives and public figures who have come out. Those who don't can't really be faulted, either, as rarely do such honesty and vulnerability prove a boon to one's showbiz livelihood.

Nonetheless, the elephant that was his sexual orientation never stopped following Merv from room to room. He could duck it for a while, but it would always find him. And it's disheartening that he had to die to finally shake that unwieldy pachyderm for good.

Comments

[thomas tucker]

How do you "know" he was gay if, as you admit, you knew nothing about his personal relationships?

[Roz]

You're a jerk!
If he was gay, why should we believe it coming out of your scummy mouth?
You have absolutely no right to out him just because you weren't pleased with how he lived HIS life. It was his personal preference & if he didn't want to discuss it that was HIS choice not yours, you worthless excuse for a writer. Everyone should have the right to come out when they want to not when some idiot decides 'Oh, he's dead let's talk & say whatever we want now about him!!
JAGOFF!!! & if he wasn't gay you're going straight to hell!!

[Sarah]

It was only when "big" named people started coming out that we (gay people) started to see change in this country. And if a “big name talent” coming out can SAVE one teenage life, then it is worth coming out. I feel it’s a personal responsibility for every generation to making it better for the next.

[BayGrrl]

Sarah, YOU ROCK!!!

(and roz, fugoff!)

[David Ehrenstein]

Glad to see this is back up, and hope the "Hollywood Reporter" has finally seen common sense.

"Thomas Tucker" and his ilk never will. Thomas were there to be a legal proceding on this matter there are SCORES of men who had sex with Merv Griffin who could testify to that fact -- and scores more who knew perfectly well that he was gay.

There's nothing "scummy" about being gay.

There's plenty "scummy" about the closet.

[Chris Menn]

Holy crap, you people are out of control on this posting board. If you want to scream bloody murder like some sort of immature teenager, go troll the dark depths of MySpace and stop junking up legitimate writers' blogs. Get a grip. These are intelligent people (for the most part) reading here. Don't ruin it for the rest of us, "Roz." And what kind of a lady uses words like scummy and JAGOFF? A real class act, you are. Why don't you trailer trash it over to somebody else's blog? Like Perez Hilton or TMZ. No class required there.

Anyway I thought this was an interesting piece, and that it rather sensitively points out the irony of Mr. Griffin's life. Here you have such a gregarious, generous personality, who loved to share and enjoy his gifts and his wealth with others, but yet he didn't feel he could share that side of himself (at least not formally, but as the article said, did anybody ever really doubt that the man was gay?). But then Merv Griffin was a product of "old" Hollywood, where being openly gay just wasn't accepted, period. So even though times changed somewhat as he got older, that was his perspective. So perhaps that's why he chose to not make a big deal about formally revealing his sexual preference. Or maybe he was protecting his family. Who knows? But the man was a public figure, so I'm sure he wouldn't be surprised that people are analyzing and discussing this aspect of his private life, now that he's gone. And I'm sure he would have been man enough to take it. Why can't you be man enough, Roz? Thanks for the insight, Mr. Richmond. Very interesting.

[Simone]

Thank you for this thoughtful, fair column. You made some important statements--the reaction to them shows how important they are--and demonstrated with this and your other posts clear appreciation of and affection for Merv Griffin.

To all those screaming about how this is wrong, disrespectful, 'unsubstantiated', hateful, etc. I say only

1. There is nothing wrong with being gay and
2. 'You can't take it with you' includes secrets.
The truth will come 'out.'

PS--first version of the column was ok too!

[Kirk]

You deserve a raise! This has been the #1 rated story on Hollywood Reporter all afternoon (the ranking is listed at the bottom of the home page). The fact that some closeted big whigs in Hollywood tried to squelch the simple truth about Merv being gay has only succeeded in propelling the story all over the universe. Ray Richmond better get a promotion for this (that is if Hollywood Reporter considers itself a business for profit).

[Lisa]

"if he wasn't gay you're going straight to hell!!"

This type of psychotic and homophobic statement says it all. So I guess all the people like you that have assumed many people to be straight when in fact they are gay are also going to Hell?

[Lorie]

Don't assume that everyone knew Merv Griffin was gay. The man guarded his privacy while he was alive and you had no right to "out" him after his death. This article was a cheap shot, at best! What do you or anyone else gain by writing private details about a man's life after he is gone and can't defend himself. Hope you get your 2 seconds of fame from those who read your article. As for it helping other gays ??? I am personally tired of gay celebraties "announcing" to the tabloids that they are gay. WHO CARES!! Either they have talent or they don't. I couldn't care less who or what they have sex with!

[thomas tucker]

Blah, blah, blah. Where's the proof? Oh, yes, people could tell stories. Well, can't they always? But stories are worth shit.

[JD]

There is something wrong with being gay and everyone knows this to some extent. That really is the elephant in the room.

[YeahYouHeardMe]

Lorie, well, maybe you'll care about this. I don't like to have sex with people who can't be bothered to learn how to spell (or type). For future reference, "celebraties" isn't a word. Oh, I'm sorry, was that a cheap shot? Ray, don't mind these yahoos. Your piece rocked, no matter what some too-clueless-to-know-that-Merv-was-gay morons happen to say about it. Love your columns and your blog. Keep 'em coming, my man.

[bejezeezus]

WTF? I read this earlier today, and someone was just telling me about all this how it was deleted and then it was put up, and then it was on the radio, and Ray was almost fired, and people are freaking out, etc. Man, a guy leaves his computer for a few hours and you can really stand to miss a lot of high drama. It all sounds crazy to me. I liked the piece, and I'm glad that if it was erased before that it was put back up. But isn't that censorship to take it down anyway? How did they think they could get away with that, esp after it was already out there? Smooth move by the top brass there. My guess is that this story is getting a lot more play simply because it was taken down in the first place. Jeezus. What's the big deal about calling a spade a spade. The man was gay. We all knew it. I'm sure he knew we knew it. One guy says it out loud and the whole world collapses in a pile of whiny tears. Which, by the way, if anyone is paying attention, was much the point of Ray's story to begin with. OH, SWEET IRONY!!! Hey, by the way, what happened to all the comments from before? When I read this story this morning, there were like 30 comments or something, and now they're gone? Is something still being censored? The drama continues.......

[Anna]

JD, tell me you did NOT just say that. Are you completely insane?

[sjackson]

I was moved by your piece. Thank you for writing it.

[LAguy]

It's interesting, gay people don't want to be judged by heterosexuals. It's homophobic and intolerant. Yet when one of their own decides he doesn't want to speak publicly about his orientation, that's exactly what those who disagree begin to do. If gays want to be accepted, they need to be accepting as well. Especially when no one is being harmed by someone in the closet.

Also, if Richmond believes that "Merv himself would be OK with having such a burdensome deceit taken off his back at last", then perhaps he should have had the balls to write this column when Merv was still alive. Cheap shot, indeed!

[Johnny]

What do you or anyone else gain by writing private details about a man's life after he is gone and can't defend himself."

Defend himself from what, being reported to have been gay? Being gay is only some huge shameful "crime" in your tiny homophobic mind.

Quoting Richmond from the article: "I also don't believe the revelation at all taints his legacy, unless we are to buy into the notion that there remains shame in homosexual behavior. That only applies to the homophobes among us."

Hi homophobes among us! Roz, Lorie, Thomas and JD.

What does anyone gain from Richmond's article? Well gee dear, he's examining the hypocrisy of Hollywood being a culture filled to the rafters with gay people, while the powers that be don't allow them to feel safe coming out. Hollywood exploits the talents of gays, and then turns their backs on their struggle against oppression and inequality. And while you might not have any problem with homosexuality being treated like a dirty little secret, a huge scary taboo, enlightened people would like to see an end to the demonization of gay people.

[Dumbo]

the only "something wrong" with being gay JD is that we have to co-exist with a JugheaD like you. peanut brain, anyone?

[JimJam]

Wow. Really, really great piece. I heard about it earlier but just had the chance to read it myself now. Thanks for being brave enough to put this out there. I'm sorry to hear it was almost permanently taken down. I loved Merv too, and you can't begrudge him his reasons for the choices he made, but one can't help but wonder how things might have been different had he been more open about things. I guess we'll never know.

[sean]

no one is being harmed by being in the closet? what you don't know could fill a bag of rainbow-colored Skittles. being in the closet implies you are hiding something and therefore ashamed and/or embarrassed by it. silence = death. when you are silent about an essential facet of who you are, you are complicit in the status quo's denial of and perpetuation in discrimination towards the gay community. whether you are the gay with fame and fortune or simply the gay common man, there is NO place for the closet. closet implies secrecy and lurking in the shadows and shame and darkness. who the hell would ever want to live there? living in the closet is the zenith of homophobia and if this is the schism that divides the gay community, then so be it. i will never embrace any of my gay brethren that are in the closet. if you're gonna lie about the one and only thing that makes you gay (i.e., who you are sexually attracted to), then you're gonna lie about a lot of other things. the closet is for cowards.

[Theodora]

I'm here to hose down the flames....

WHY?

Because Merv was my surrogate mentor.

I'd like for him to be remembered for his business sagacity

--not his personal proclivities.

His show was not only my source of entertainment --he was my gateway into this business.

I can remember --with huuuuuuuuuuuge fondness --when the Little Theatre off Times Square first cracked its doors open to the public.

I was a teenager, on the cusp of raging hormones --and Merv's show became my home away from home. It nurtured my showbiz aspirations; allowed me to meet some of the BEST of the entertainment world --and gave me a perspective about the Industry that I couldn't have gotten anywhere --at the age of 16.

While my BORING school chums were preparing to dry-hump each other at school dances on Friday nights --I was watching Merv's show tape; hung out in the lobby --and met his stellar guests coming and going --and got to watch a man deal with life on both sides of the footlights.

Yeah...

My little girlfriends and I knew he was gay. We knew --because some of the Pages ushering the audience in and out of the theatre were hand-selected for their male beauty --to keep the twinkle in his eye...

It meant nothing to us "back in the day." But we understood the joke between him and Shelly Winters sharing the same 'interests'.

Foremostly --it gave *me* an opportunity to learn first-hand about talent coordination --having been "the teenager" to let Tony Garofalo know which Brit-bands were gonna be the next hot thaing --which, in turn, launched a lot of careers *here*.

I'm grievously sad.

That I didn't get to thank Merv before he passed for all the great memories he gave me...

I'm grievously sad...

Because Tony's had to deal with his dad's closeted situation for 40 years --only to have to deal with *this* bullshit now. Tony was about six when his parents divorced --and was a sad little boy when I last saw him.

I moved on to talent management and film/TV production --but the little boy caught in his dad's secret world have to make the best of his situation.

I'm 'glad' he managed to resolve things enough to be part of his dad's business --and to be there for him at the end of his life.

Don't think for a minute that 'outing' is helping *anyone* Ray...

PRIVACY is a SACRED thing.

It whould be respected...

People in Hollywood tend to forget that there are HUMANS behind the PR legend/machine...

Tim Leary told me before he died, "You get the Tim you deserve..."

Translation: whatever you think that person is about is more a reflection of YOU...

The Merv I got was a MAN who respected talent; nurtured it --and launched a few thousand ships full of it...

As for what this is full of...

You get the Merv you deserve...

[thomas tucker]

that is a very nice post because it is real instead of being a slogan. Silence=death is fit for abumper sticker, not people's real lives. Silence= silence, and silence is uncomforable for a lot of people.
The only thing I wish we could get a handle on, theodora, is people saying that they "knew" Merv was gay because of all sorts of clues, assumptions, and, as you yourself pointed out, projections. But how do we really know?

[Chris]

Geez, Theodora. Thanks for the mini autobiography. Riveting. But for someone who says they cared about Merv so much -- for someone coming down on Ray for "outing" (?) Merv because "PRIVACY is a SACRED thing," that's a bit like the pot calling the kettle black. It would seem that with your self-indulgent rattling on, you just outed Merv MUCH more than Ray did. THESE are exactly the kind of personal details that are probably none of our business. So nice going.

[Daniel]

Why was the article re-rewritten before it's second release? Who demanded that it be considered defamatory just to acknowledge that someone is/was gay? Does Hollywood Reporter abide by California law requiring non-discrimination in employment? Something very suspicious seems to have happened.