I'm Only 50, But I Think That's 187 in Hollywood Years

In preparation for turning age 50 on Friday (10/19), I share the following 50 things taught me by Hollywood:

1. When the going gets tough, the tough get a lawyer.

2. If you're an actor who isn't lying about his age, you're probably unemployed.

3. Biggest Lie in Showbiz: "I haven't had any work done."

4. 2nd Biggest Lie: "It's not about the money."

5. 3rd Biggest Lie: "It's an honor just to be nominated."

6. 4th Biggest Lie: "We'll call you when we're staffing up."

7. 5th Biggest Lie: "I would never do that to a friend."

8. Seating is always limited.

9. They aren't laughing with you but at you.

10. 40 is the old 40.

11. People who say they watch no TV watch the most.

12. The most sexually-charged workplaces on Earth are hospitals and law offices.

13. Sex sells. Money talks. Religion divides. And everybody loves Pixar.

14. A lot of people believe that Oprah Winfrey is God, seemingly including Oprah.

15. But it's Jerry Bruckheimer who rules the world, of course.

16. Overrated: Conan O'Brien, Rachael Ray, "Grey's Anatomy," the 18-49 Demographic, TiVo

17. Underrated: Rainn Wilson, Keith Olbermann, "Rescue Me," Susie Essman, TV Downloads

18. It's not what you know, it's whose ass you have to kiss.

19. You're only as popular as your job. Lose it and watch your "friends" disappear.

20. An agent, however, is a true friend who will stick by you always.

21. All Ben Stiller comedies are exactly the same.

22. Writers deserve far more credit than they ever get.

23. Reality TV isn't.

24. When someone leaves a job to "spend more time with my family" or "explore other opportunities," they've been fired.

25. If they leave to take a post with an Internet start-up, they soon WILL be fired.

26. If you're a celebrity, it's far easier to adopt kids from Africa.

27. People who make a lousy movie or TV show are always the last to know.

28. Being rich means never having to say you're sorry.

29. The heftier the marketing/promo budget, the less interest I have in seeing it.

30. Most big hits happen by accident.

31. Having one hit will buy a producer four flops.

32. If you're British, your chances of winning a Golden Globe increase tenfold.

33. Anything worth creating is worth stealing.

34. If you're an actress on a TV series, you're expected never to eat again.

35. Great acting can't save a bad script, but bad acting can undo a great one.

36. There's far more quality to be found on television than at the movies.

37. If you want your book to sell, be sure it has a character named "Harry" or "Potter" (or both).

38. If you crave respect, try dying.

39. Critics care far less about enlightening consumers than they do impressing other critics.

40. It's all right to make fun of white guys but nobody else.

41. Michael Jackson is a white guy.

42. People can be made to say and do (and sign) anything if there's a camera nearby.

43. The cost of free speech keeps rising.

44. Multiplex Law #1: If you attend a slasher film, at least one mother will have brought along her baby.

45. Multiplex Law #2: The person sitting behind you always has Restless Leg Syndrome.

46. Multiplex Law #3: And ADD.

47. Multiplex Law #4: And just ate a massive bean burrito.

48. Multiplex Law #5: Popcorn tastes much better in the dark.

49. Hollywood thinks people care far more about its inner workings than they actually do.

50. Confessing to being 50 is truly idiotic.

Comments

[Houston Bridges]

I liked turning 50, and I liked the entire decade. You will, too.

Happy birthday.

[OldOldLady Of The Hills]

HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DEAR RAY!

A half a century...This is a Fabulous milestone! I remember when I was turning 50, I was kind of freaked out by the idea of this half century mark...BUT, let me assure you, there is so much more for you dear Ray...So much more living and loving and writing, etc., etc., etc....
Speaking from three quarters of a century, plus one....I think you are going to find that the next part of your life will be better than ever!
I hope you will be celebrating with loved ones---family and friends----Lift a glass of anything and know I am toasting you too, in that moment!

[Theodora]

The Gospel According to St. Oprah...

"Fitty is the new 25..."

Hopefully, she meant AGE --not money/devaluation...

Then again --she blew her thyroid right after her Opradomiter spun... And packed those lipo'd pounds back on...

:::I guess being sacrelege has just cost me being on her show when my book gets published:::

Happy Birfday, RayZeee...

You're not getting older...

You're getting..........

::adding >>>LOL<<< to tag to make you more curmudgeonly:::

Then again, it could be worse --you *could* end up in my column...

[Cheryl]

I turned 50 earlier this year and instead of buying a fancy car or learning to sky-dive, I tried out for Jeopardy! The exclamation point is theirs, not mine. And I've taken to regularly telling off my boss. Other than that, it's no different from any other age.

[Lyvvie]

Happy Birthday! Hope it was wonderful. I'm sending this link to Susan Powter as she's been talking about planning her own 50th birthday party over at her YouTube place. Makes #50 kind of funny.