Night of a Thousand Clips Meets the Brothers Grim

OK now, a show of hands: how many of you thought that while sitting down Sunday night to watch the 80th Annual Academy Awards on ABC, what you'd actually be seeing was in fact All 80 Annual Academy Awards rolled into one? God, I am SO embarrassed! In fact, if you turn on ABC right now, an out-on-his-feet Jon Stewart, looking for all the world like a hallucinating 1920s marathon dancer, is himself introducing Oscar's Very Special Salute to Cinematic Hay Fever. Turns out no one could expel phlegm on cue -- and with just the right stream level -- quite like James Cagney. No one! And on the Oscarcast, we'll see the stream from 7 different slo-mo angles. But let some lousy costume design winner drone on during an acceptance speech past the 19.2-second mark and alarms will sound, security will be summoned -- and rumors impugning his/her character will instantly circulate that prevent them from ever working again in Hollywood. That is, at least during the current millennium.

Gosh dang, what was it with this Oscars, anyway? I guess it should have been a tipoff that the night's theme had been announced as, "There Will Be Montages." Never has so much been said by so many who were either dead, retired or otherwise unable to attend. There were significantly more acceptances from previous winners than current ones. And wouldn't you know it, the one guy without an orchestra play-off-the-stage order was Oscar producer Gilbert Cates, who astoundingly packed together interminable clip packages featuring all 79 previous winners to precede every major award. There is nothing quite like the sheer destructive power of raw, brazen, machine-gunnish overkill to make Sunday's victor feel small and insignificant. (You're not one of 5. You're one of 80. Get over yourself!)

Well done, Film Academy!

It seems that Cates had planned a worst-case scenario Academy Awards in the event the writers strike had yet to be settled, and a minor detail like the walkout's having ended wasn't going to alter that strategy one little bit. I hear that the only real modification to that approach was the original plan had purportedly been to include at least one 0.3-second snippet from every feature ever produced in the medium's history. It left us to ponder: was this a writers strike or an editors strike? Contingency, unnecessary, it's apparently really all the same. I'd forgotten the academy bylaw that says, "Once created for a ceremony, no gratingly superfluous montage may be excised."

It's no surprise at all that these Oscars would strike an all-time ratings low. I think it had less to do with the labor stoppage than a watchability disconnect.

The stars' reps and SAG should have interceded to keep the nominees from crossing the "Clip It" line. But they were clearly powerless to prevent the inevitable during an awards show tailored for the self-loathing yanks in our midst. No American actor won. Meanwhile, the homegrowns who did were Joel and Ethan Coen: awkward, monosyllabic, weird. All the festivities really lacked was a Sean Young heckling incident to be complete.

And then there was Mr. Stewart. Don't anyone dare blame him for this mess. It wasn't his fiasco. He was cool. He was loose. He was hip and funny, yet nicely modulated. He was appropriately deferential. He blended. He has the look of a permanent host. And he also did what he could to drag what otherwise looked like a stodgy, anachronistic time capsule kicking and screaming into the 2000s. And yet on TV, it sounded too often as if the gathered hypersensitive, thin-skinned showbiz royalty were determined to sit on their hands rather than give a Gotham invader his enthusiastic due. Truth: they're fortunate to have Stewart and really ought to beg him to return for a third go-round. They'd best bring him back repeatedly if they know what's good for them (an iffy prospect, admittedly). Otherwise, the Kodak Theatre takes to resembling No Facility For Young Men.

Here is another suggestion: bag the Best Original Song nominee live performances. It's now become like something overseen, without proper constraints, by the CIA. It would feel right at home inside Abu Ghraib or Gitmo. OK, maybe that's an exaggeration. But the overproduced, shticky, dweeby production numbers (I'm thinking of the three from '"Enchanted") are a clear throwback to the era when lame was tolerated as part of the compulsory awards show fabric. Not anymore. Now it just plays like Las Vegas Night at Temple Beth Shalom.

The inescapable perception Sunday night was that of an Oscar concept in desperate need of a facelift, one that puts the greater emphasis on steak rather than antiquated sizzle -- as one critic put it this morning, "hipness-replacement surgery." The dull, earnest, bloated, plodding, grandiose, stiff, rigidly wholesome nature of the show stands in stark contrast to the youth-appeal exercise it so must become to continue forth as a vital institution. It needs to find a way to be less "granddaddy" of all awards shows and far more "grandson" -- and fast.

We've honestly seen enough of the inspiring, life-affirming magic of the movie industry's past to last a lifetime. It's time to bag the montages and join the current century while being sparing with them clips, before short attention span fare like the MTV Movie Awards ensnares Young America in its tight grip and forever turns the Next Generation off from the Academy Awards as that thing that used to matter.

(Photos courtesy Reuters, Getty Images and AMPAS.)

Comments

[Nancy Barragan]

Right on!

[Lenni]

Why the hell do they seat Jack Nicolson in the front row every year whether he's nominated or not? He sits there like Buddah with his stupid sunglasses, while they cut to reaction shots of him, why exactly? To make sure he's laughing? He's obviously so sauced he'd laugh at anything, so what's the point. It escapes me why the Academy continually bows and scrapes to him.

Ray, any idea why they left Brad Renfro out of the Deceased Parade? He died around the time Heath Ledger did so why the snub? I guess when your demise is due to a heroin overdose instead of an "accidental" mixing of Rx and OTC medication, your death isn't worth noting. Hypocritical. Sad.

[The Big Sis]

At least you have to admit, the little French girl, Marion Cotillard was totally adorable in her breathless, overwhelmed shock at having won Best Actress. And what was with the Coen Brothers? Could they have looked any more disgusted and bored? Jeez... show a little humility. They were just too freakin cool for themselves.

[Rebecca]

What's the big deal? The telecast wasn't so terrible. Was I the only one who sort of EXPECTED this sort of show, rife with montages, seeing as the full team only had DAYS (vs. the usual MONTHS) to prepare? Considering that fact, it was almost impressive. It's like you were assigned to pick it apart or just had it in your mind to do so before it even started. Or possibly just woke up on the wrong side of the bed? I mean -- you actually had a problem with the three numbers from "Enchanted" being "OVER-produced?" They were from ENCHANTED, for God's sake...a Disney MUSICAL comedy. It's not like they were going to have some edgy rocker singing an "unplugged" guitar rendition of "The Working Song." (Although I must say I was impressed with the choice of up-and-coming Indiana singer/songwriter Jon McLaughlin as the soloist for "So Close.")

And as for why the show was such a ratings bust, that doesn't have so much to do with the number of montages as it did with the fact that so few people in the viewing audience this year (a) knew most of the nominees or (b) even SAW this motley group of dark, heavy films. Almost everyone I've heard speak about the Oscars said they were bored to tears just watching the red carpet -- not only were the STARS boring, but the CLOTHES -- whoever came up with that "red" promotion certainly didn't think about what that would do to the excitement factor for the viewing public. Honestly -- aside from Kelly Preston (orange), Amy Adams (green) and Jessica Alba (purple), there were very few dresses that weren't red or black. Nobody had anything interesting this year...it was frankly unbelievable...not ONE memorable, standout gown. NOT ONE. I'm sure a lot of viewers turned the channel before Jon Stewart even started his monologue. And those people certainly didn't miss anything in terms of the Coen Brothers' acceptance speeches...ZZZZZZZZZ.

But for those of us steeped in tradition, who decided to watch just because -- well, we always do -- it frankly wasn't as Godawful as you would make it out to be. Seriously...try to keep a little perspective. At the end of the day, let's face it...the Oscars is still just an awards show...it's never been high art. I think beyond a certain point, extensive criticism comes off as little more than self-importance run amuck. And as for the montages, I actually happen to appreciate a good montage...I've always viewed that as a bit of an editing marvel in itself, and don't feel they should just be poo-pooed as though somehow a thoughtfully produced montage is just someone's way of "phoning it in." That's a little ridiculous, is it not? And on the 80th anniversary, at least SOME glimpses into the history of Oscar were to be expected, were they not? While a little tame and not particularly memorable, the production was well executed overall and Jon Stewart did a nice job. And if nothing else, there were no Rob Lowe-Snow White or Whoopi-Queen Elizabeth stunts (thank God). If you think about it, those sorts of nightmares tend to be about the only things anyone ever DOES remember about the Oscars anyway. I would think to pull one off that's fairly, well, FORGETTABLE, then you can consider it a success on some level. And with the exception of leaving out Whoopi from the host montage, all seemed to go off without a hitch...so that all those lovely foreigners could accept the top honors of America's most famous, beloved and presigious entertainment awards. C'est magnifique!

[Theodora]

???Huuuuh???

I thought the 'celebration' was for **my** birthday?!?!?!

It was a mega snorefest.

I don't buy the fact that Jon Stewart "...couldn't write..." anything until the strike was over... A REAL writer is **always** writing --whether a 'union' tells them it's okay or not. He just wasn't funny... No amount of excuses can mask that.

As for the Awards...

We've all seen the gazillions of dollars spent on advertisements in the trades --and know the wheel that squeaks the loudest generally gets the greeeezey stuff all over them...

It was the Globies on tape delay...

The fact that the majority of 'songs' nominated were from a Disney movies should tell you it's all just one big Mickey Mouse affair...

A few actors won awards... And a Stripper was considered The Best Writer in Hollywood...

Whut does that tell ya????