So Where is the Eliot Spitzer Takedown Movie Already?

We know it's going to happen, it's just a matter of when and in what form. There will be a feature film, a made-for-TV movie (or several), or a stageplay (or several), or perhaps even an opera based on this week's juicy political scandal du jour involving New York Governor Eliot Spitzer's use of a prostitution ring and subsequent resignation. It's the stuff of Hollywood dreams: sex, politics, infidelity, jilted spouse, hubris and a Jewish guy at the center. All that it's really missing is a tragic disease storyline and the devastation of a crestfallen child (and a big shaggy affectionate family dog) to be utterly complete. But that's what creative license is for, to fill in those pesky gaps left behind by truth.

Casting? Oh yes, that. The possibilities, of course, differ significantly based upon medium and venue. You don't want the same Spitzer impersonator for the big screen as you do for, say, Oxygen. So let's take a minute to imagine how it might just unfold network-by-network, stage-by-stage and screen-by-screen, including titles and storylines designed to match the locale.

FEATURE FILM

"JUSTICE," starring Kevin Spacey as Gov. Spitzer, Laura Linney as Silda Wall Spitzer and Ellen Page as Kristen (a.k.a. Ashley Alexandra Dupre'). Synoposis: A man with a taste for very expensive prostitute flesh runs afoul of the government when a fed (Tommy Lee Jones) catches him in the act.

CBS

"STEAMROLLER: THE RISE AND FALL OF ELIOT SPITZER," starring David Caruso as Gov. Spitzer, Meg Ryan as Silda Spitzer and Jennifer Love Hewitt as Kristen. Synopsis: An ambitious politician breaks the heart of the only woman he's ever loved by getting caught cheating with a prostitute whom he fears might be incapable of loving him.

ABC

"OPRAH WINFREY PRESENTS: A CREEP'S HOES IN BROOKLYN," starring Jennifer Connelly as Silda, Ed Harris as Gov. Spitzer, Kirsten Dunst as Kristen. Synopsis: A biopic about a guy so unredeemably awful that he refuses to read so much as one lousy book.

NBC

"TO CATCH A GOVERNOR," featuring Christopher Meloni as Spitzer, Catherine Keener as Mrs. Spitzer, Hillary Duff as the prostitute. Synopsis: The little-known and indeed likely apocryphal tale of how it was actually a 'Dateline NBC' sting operation that exposed Gov. Spitzer's cheating heart.

FOX

"THE SPITZERS," starring Aaron Eckhart and Tea Leoni as the Spitzers and Carrie Underwood as Kirsten. Synopsis: Described as "partially inspired by the possible suggestion of occasional truth," it's a telepic that details how a dysfunctional marriage led to the collapse not only of the New York governorship but nearly civilization itself as well.

HBO

"THE WIRETAP," with Stanley Tucci as the Governor, Edie Falco as his loyal wife Silda, and Hayden Panetterie as Kristen. Synopsis: An HBO Orignal that peers closely at the ways that, during one fateful investigation, wiretap technology served as both friend and foe.

SHOWTIME

"THE MAN WHO WASN'T GAY," featuring Woody Harrelson as Gov. Spitzer, Mary-Louise Parker as Silda and, in her acting debut, "Juno" screenwriter Diablo Cody as Kristen. Synopsis: Presented in the revolutionary "Gaydarvision," this film uses federal documents and coversation records with friends and family members to get to the bottom of why Eliot Spitzer steered himself onto a heterosexual path.

LIFETIME

"BETRAYED: THE SILDA WALL SPITZER STORY," starring Melissa Gilbert as Silda Wall Spitzer and Charlie Sheen as her embattled husband. Synopsis: The fact-based story of a monster who destroyed New York and the woman who loved him -- until she no longer could.

SCI-FI CHANNEL

"CLIENT 9 FROM OUTER SPACE," starring Edward James Olmos as Gov. Spitzer, Mary McDonnell as Silda Wall Spitzer, Lindsay Lohan as Kristen. Synopsis: A two-hour telefilm examination of Gov. Eliot Spitzer's tragic fall that re-imagines the story as one set on Jupiter and Neptune rather than in New York and Washington, D.C. Oh yeah, and Mrs. Spitzer is a Romulan officer in disguise.

COMEDY CENTRAL

"HONEY, REALLY, IT'S NO BIG DEAL," with Jason Alexander as Gov. Spitzer,  Catherine O'Hara as Silda Wall Spitzer and Sarah Silverman as Kristen. Synopsis: Plays the prostitution scandal for laughs, with Alexander portraying a bumbling Gov. Spitzer whose zany wife is always accidentally crashing his office meetings and hotel trysts.

BET

"OPPORTUNITY KNOCKS: THE DAVID PATERSON STORY," featuring LeVar Burton as New York Lieut. Governor David Paterson. Synopsis: A film about The Man Who Would Be Governor, one that embodies the slogan, "When life hands you a New York governorship, make New York governorship-ade."

MTV

"KRISTEN," starring Mischa Barton in the title role. Synopsis: A young woman who aspires to a music career -- and feels things in a deeper fashion than any human being the world has previously known -- turns to prostitution after suffering abuse in her family and noting that it pays way better than her previous job working the drive-thru window at Wendy's.

HALLMARK CHANNEL

"STILL A FAMILY," joining Stephen Collins as Gov. Spitzer, Sela Ward as his wife Silda (Silda, meet Sela) and Hayley Duff as the notorious Kristen. Synopsis: Tells the story from the perspective of a mercurial, power-hungry politician who loses touch with his Jewish faith and family ties after beginning to touch hookers.

COURT TV

"ONE ANGRY MAN," starring Gary Sinise as Gov. Spitzer, Lauren Holly as Silda Wall Spitzer, Kelly Clarkson as Kristen. Synopsis: A dramatization, based on newspaper accounts and those of purported friends of the family whom Court TV paid off, that takes us behind closed doors during the tense 48 hours of heated legal and personal discussions between Gov. Spitzer's admission and resignation.

BROADWAY MUSICAL

"SPITZ!", featuring Matthew Broderick as The Gov!, Christina Applegate as The Wronged Wife! and Kristen Bell as The Hooker! Synopsis: A tuneful rip-roarer of a new musical about a governor who has betrayed his constituents and is made to feel he must do penance -- but all he wants to do is DANCE! Original songs include "How Much is That Body in the Window?", "Kissin' Kristen," "Just Another John," "What I Paid For Lust" and the show-stopper "Oh, Let Me Govern You Lady."

OFF-BROADWAY

"77 RELATIVELY SHORT PLAYS ABOUT ELIOT SPITZER," a one-man show starring TV's John Corbett as Gov. Spitzer, Silda Wall Spitzer, Kristen and Lieut. Gov. David Paterson, along with some 53 additional characters. Synopsis: Presented over the course of a tidy 3 hours, 45 minutes, it demonstrates the uncanny range of the actor who specializes in portrayals of men who are uncommonly dense.

Comments

[Vixen]

Great idea! But are you really sure David Caruso has the ACTING CAPABILITY to play such a complex role like Gov. Spitzer? Caruso has the charms of a log of wood and we guess that playing Spitzer caught in flagranti with a hot looking call girl requires some acting ability - one thing Caruso clearly lacks.
But Caruso could play the call-girls pimp.

[lingerie center]

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