Past Deadline

Larry Birkhead Wins the Dannielynn DNA Sweepstakes

Yes, the DNA test has irrefutably confirmed that Larry Birkhead is the father of the daddyless Dannielynn -- and Howard K. Stern isn't. This comes as something less than a shock to all except perhaps Stern, who evidently was rooting for his own parentage or -- failing that -- an Immaculate Conception of some sort or other. But it was not to be. Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband Prince Frederick von Anhalt no doubt is crestfallen.

My favorite part of this breaking story is that the ever-lowkey TMZ.com has, as I write these words, featured 11 different posts in the 30 minutes since the paternity announcement was made. We should anticipate another 85 or so by nightfall, following everything from the reactions of the principals to its impact on the stock market to what infant Dannielynn thinks of all of this (I'm predicting it hasn't affected her appetite or ability to fill a diaper, but that's mere conjecture at this point).

A King Implodes On His Throne

So I'm flipping channels early this evening and happened upon repeat "coverage" of Anna Nicole Smith's funeral that went down Friday on CNN's "Larry King Live." Mind you, the network's cameras were banned from the actual services in the Bahamas, so this consisted of King -- having completely caved in to sensationalism -- peppering attendees with questions after the fact. As if Anna Nicole's funeral were such a monumental event that simply touching people who managed to witness it justified a full hour of a show that once had some semblance of news value -- but now stands as Exhibit A in illustrating how the mainstream TV media has grown virtually indistinguishable from its tabloid counterpart.

Anyway, I found myself instantly mesmerized by the charade that unfolded before me. A few lowlights:

Larry King: "So tell me, would you describe this as a particularly sad day?" (Oh my God! There's a million-dollar question for you. No, Larry, it was just unmitigated joy to hang out there amidst the Anna Nicole sycophants, exploiters and opportunists.)

Funeral Attendee: "Yes, Larry, it was so sad. Anna Nicole was so loved."

(Later)

LK: "Can you tell us something about Anna Nicole that people might not know?" (Oh! Oh! Yes, Larry, as a matter of fact, it's little-known that Anna was nominated for the Nobel Prize for Literature and was graduated with a degree in rocket science from M.I.T.)

Funeral Attendee: "Actually, I think I'd have to say people weren't aware just how much Anna loved her fans." (Stop the presses! STOP...THE...PRESSES!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You're telling me that Anna Nicole Smith loved her fans? That is just UNBELIEVABLE! Good gracious sakes alive. What are the odds? And how is it possible that Larry King gets all the scoops? It simply isn't fair for one man to be so extraordinarily plugged in.)

And so it went for a full, mercilessly painful hour. I think Larry King at one time had some actual journalistic instincts. But those appear to be long gone. He's been reduced to an overly-large forehead and suspenders in search of something even semi-newsworthy. To see him chasing Anna Nicole Smith memorial tidbits is simply embarrassing -- for he and CNN.

Catching Up On the Good, the Bad, (the Weird) and the Ugly

These are strange times here in the Land of Dreams, and strange times call for strange roundup blog items assessing the good, the not so good, and the curious. Like this one. It's a multi-parter, but I promise not to rant too heavily in any one area. Okay, one maybe. Not two.

--Item: Anna Nicole Smith's body begins to decompose amidst legal wrangling over her remains. Reaction: Yes, the Broward County medical examiner's office is telling Howard K. Stern and Smith's mom Virgie Arthur and presumed baby daddy Larry Birkhead to hurry it up and figure out where to bury her because her deteriorating body will soon make presentability during a memorial service extremely challenging. This is so gut-churning as to be unfathomable, not to mention like the subplot of a black comedy. How would you like to have your resting fate decided by the Three Stooges and a camera-pandering judge with designs on his own TV show? I'm smelling an update of "Weekend at Bernie's."

--Item: Paul McCartney's estranged wife Heather Mills to compete in season four of ABC's "Dancing With the Stars" along with Vincent "Big Pussy" Pastore, Leeza Gibbons, ex-NBA star Clyde Drexler and Billy Ray Cyrus. Reaction: Welcome to Hell. I'm sorry, Heather Mills? It's been requested that I make no "leg up on the competition" jokes. But I think this may have less to do with the fact Mills has a disability than that she's going through a particularly nasty divorce with a global icon. We won't be rooting for the one-legged dancer. After being dismissed as a golddigger and a witch looking to take McCartney down, a lot of viewers will no doubt be hoping she takes a spill or two.

--Item: Rainn Wilson of "The Office" to host "Saturday Night Live" this Saturday (2/24). Reaction: We give thanks, Lorne Michaels, and will now remember you in our will. Wilson -- the mega-intense but bumbling Dwight Schrute on the NBC comedy -- is a superstar waiting to happen, a hugely underrated talent who has proven the perfect comic foil for Steve Carell. It's about time he lands in the center of the spotlight on a national stage.

--Item: "American Idol" producers Ken Warwick and Nigel Lythgoe to serve as executive producers of this year's Primetime Emmy Awards telecast on Fox. Reaction: I can just see it now: Simon Cowell chiding host Conan O'Brien: "You call that a joke? You disgust me, you smarmy little freckled pustule!" Honestly, if the producers of the show that's keeping your network in business agree to lend their magic to TV's annual night of self-congratulation, you make sure each gets his own stretch limo to drive them each day to rehearsal.

--Item: Satellite radio rivals XM and Sirius agree to merger pending approval by federal regulators. Reaction: If the feds want competition for the iPods of the world, they'll allow these two to exist and have a chance at survival by merging their bottom lines and stemming the red ink flow. If they don't care, they'll block it. I think they'll let it go forward, since it wouldn't seem to be in anyone's best interests to have satellite radio die. On the other hand, it still doesn't seem like an essential thing to have. Therein lies to real issue: public apathy, not governmental roadblock.

--Item: Keith Olbermann signs new four-year contract to remain at MSNBC, also hosting two primetime specials a year on NBC and contributing occasional essays to "NBC Nightly News with Brian Williams. Reaction: There is a God. Olbermann, while undeniably verbose at times, is nonetheless the sharpest and most nimble and eloquent voice working in network news. NBC News is smart to appreciate the jewel they've got. Olbermann was taking rhe Bush Administration to task long before it was fashionable, and no one does it with greater passion and intelligence.

--Item: Fox News Channel debuts "satirical" series pilot "The Half-Hour News Hour" from that wellspring of comedic know-how, "24" executive producer Joel Surnow. Reaction: Did you happen to catch it on Sunday? I did. I'm still waiting for the comedy part to kick in. This was evidently designed as a "Daily Show" for conservatives, except that "Daily Show" doesn't play favorites. It picks on both parties and only skewers the right with greater frequency because it happens to be the party that's in power. But forget all of that. Why is a "news channel" making an alleged news satire in the first place? Isn't that sort of like the Food Network doing a show about bulimia?

Then again, this was a spoof minus any semblance of actual humor. It was simply an excuse to bash the Dems with an especially smug smirk and a particularly cloying laughtrack. Even getting recorded people to snicker at this had to be an immense challenge. I'd tell Fox News to stick to news, except that it doesn't really do that too well, either, demonstrating roughly as much balance as a gymnast tumbling off a balance beam. It is, however, a smooth transition for Surnow. He already has a taste for torturing terrorist suspects and Jack Bauer on "24." Here, he's torturing viewers! Nice synergy, that.

In a Sense, We're All the Father of Anna Nicole's Baby

It's a bumper sticker, but also so much more. And as my good friend Kate Coe at Fishbowl LA reminds us, it's just in time for Valentine's Day! (By the way, I love the fact that the sentence spelled out in the sticker is now trademarked. You know you're dealing with the, uh, mother of all paternity issues when the very question of parentage rises to the level of cultural catchphrase.)

A Little Princess?

File this one under Chuck Shepherd's News of the Weird sub-category of "Can't Possibly Be True":

"The husband of actress Zsa Zsa Gabor said Friday that he had a decade-long affair with Anna Nicole Smith and may be her infant daughter's father.

The claim by Prince Frederick von Anhalt comes amid a paternity suit over Smith's 5-month-old daughter, Dannielynn. The birth certificate lists Dannielynn's father as attorney Howard K. Stern [pictured with Smith], but former Smith boyfriend Larry Birkhead is waging a legal challenge, saying he is the father."

More here.

--Randee Dawn

Anna Nicole Tragically Departs For the Big Trim Spa In the Sky

Anna Nicole Smith, dead at 39. Shocking? Hardly. Her life was a slow-motion train wreck, and we all had a front-row seat to the inevitable carnage. She was one of those famous for being famous types, a stripper-turned-Playboy centerfold-turned-dubious heiress-turned-reality TV icon who proved an engaging sideshow in the celebrity circus. Step right up and eye the zany blonde with the big boobs and the even bigger dreams!

We have only begun to see the Anna Nicole tabloid frenzy that's destined to continue unfolding over the next several weeks and months. Tons of ink will be spilled and hours of airtime devoted to the tragedy of Smith's life and the riddle of her seemingly mysterious death. She'll no doubt be compared incessantly to Marilyn Monroe. Same hair color. Similar bust size/ample figure. Same "candle in the wind"-style dysfunction, naivete and lousy luck in love. And the coup de grace: suddenly dying in her 30's for seemingly no good reason.

This is not to say that Smith's legacy resides anywhere close to Monroe's prodigious shadow. Whereas Marilyn was a tortured soul with genuine talent and timeless sex appeal, Anna Nicole was always much more of an opportunist, a golddigging media creation who achieved her fame through luck, pluck and rubbing up against the right octogenarian billionaire. Marilyn was the real deal, Smith an exhibitionistic cartoon character.

But perhaps the greatest contrast between MM and ANS was this: Marilyn didn't covet the brass ring, was bequeathed it anyway and never grew fully comfortable wearing it. Anna Nicole desperately wanted the ring, couldn't quite snare it yet strove throughout her short life to convince the world she deserved it.

Smith proved a pop culture icon in precisely the same way Paris Hilton is: a living joke drawn instinctively to the tabloid spotlight who was hopelessly blind to self-aware irony. She was very much Andy Warhol's kind of gal. So you know that the two of them have got to be bonding right about now. They've certainly a lot of catching up to do.

It's difficult to detect the precise moment when Smith began her evolution from freakish-but-jovial punchline to pitiable and ultimately tragic figure, but it was probably sometime in the summer of 2002 following the premiere of her humiliating unscripted "The Anna Nicole Show" on E! that served to glorify the woman's absolute complicity in her own degradation.

While E! tried to play it all for laughs -- complete with jaunty theme music and a dysfunction-is-funny vibe -- the show felt even at the time like a crass exercise in exploitation and voyeurism. Let's all snicker at the vulnerable, unkempt whack job as she colorfully sinks to the bottom. It was an appalling example of TV all-too-enthusiastically fulfilling its mandate as shameless enabler.

This is certainly not, however, to imply that showbiz killed Anna Nicole Smith. That already is no doubt the popular perception throughout the tabloid media (now a close cousin of the mainstream). That whole victim of fame verdict is irresistibly maudlin and heartrending and tidily sums up a life lived in the emotional equivalent of a blender.

Yeah, it has everything you'd want in a sensational story, save for truth.

When you think about it, having Smith's wrenchingly sad demise ascribed to simple fate represents the final blow to the woman's character. It casts her death as the preordained climax of a downward spiral she was powerless to halt, triggered by an entertainment culture that used and abused her with wanton abandon.

But Hollywood has no blood on its hands this time. No matter what the true cause of her passing is determined to be -- whether ascribed to narcotics, a fatal accumulation of heartache or something inherently more sinister -- Anna Nicole stumbled through life and sank into the abyss without our assistance. All we did was rubberneck. Because that, after all, is what we do best.

Just When You Thought It Was Safe to Start Reading the Pregnancy News Again...

Anna Nicole Smith reveals on her very own Website that she's bound and determined to "stop all the rumors" and come clean with the news that she's pregnant. Rumors? Funny...I don't recall any rumors. Perhaps Smith merely hallucinated them. If there were rumors, I would have thought they were over how un-pregnant she was starting to look these days with her svelte new self.

But in fact the revelation is simply Smith's duty as a quasi-celebrity in good standing. We need, or at least the tabloids need, at least one ongoing public pregnancy at all times so as to divert the public's attention from the fact that few of these people rarely ever have anything of interest to say. This, it should be noted, pretty much goes double for Smith, whose primary claim to fame has been a creepy lawsuit in the wake of her having married a wealthy old man months from death and a train wreck of a reality show on E!. But, um, what I actually meant to say was, "Congratulations Anna Nicole!".