Past Deadline

Isn't It About Time They Stopped Letting David Hasselhoff Out Where There Are People?

You simply cannot make this stuff up. Well, you could, but who'd believe you?

David Hasselhoff -- who seems now to be courting the kind of attention that can't help but be counterproductive -- was in Ireland last week promoting, you know, all of the stuff that David Hasselhoff promotes (like his autobiography "My Life As a Really Tall Guy Who Says Really Dumb Things") when he revealed to an audience of college students in Dublin that the talking car KITT from "Knight Rider" was, in fact, gay.

"KITT was constantly asking, 'Do you want me to take you home Michael?' in that very camp voice of his," Hasselhoff revealed to the shocked crowd.

Now that a car from a 1980s TV series is out of the garage with its sexual orientation, what might Dave reveal next? That his swimsuit on "Baywatch" was actually designed for a woman? Tune in next week when we'll be back with another edition of "David Hasselhoff: Stop Me Before I Speak Again!".

Hasselhoff's Teenage Daughter Reportedly Attempts Suicide

TMZ.com is reporting that David Hasselhoff's 14-year-old daughter, Hayley, attempted suicide on Sunday evening and was taken to a local San Fernando Valley hospital for treatment. When you see something so tremendously sad and wrenching as this -- if indeed the story is accurate -- all of the celebrity gossip absurdity suddenly means nothing. May the girl receive the help and strength that she needs to make her way through the darkness, and may her father find a measure of solace amidst the tabloid storm that constantly seems to swirl around him.

It's David Hasselhoff's World; Maybe It's Time For the Rest of Us To Find a New One

The British tabloid The Sun reports that none other than David Hasselhoff is the most searched and e-mailed male celebrity in all of cyberspace, beating out the likes of Brad Pitt, Michael Jackson and Tom Cruise (along with everyone else). He's also reportedly The Most Watched TV Star in the World according to the Guinness Book of World Records.

It's about here where I would typically insert a punchline. However, in this case none is necessary -- or even possible.

One of God's Cruel Jokes: Everybody Thinks He's a Singer

Watching and listening to David Hasselhoff butcher "Secret Agent Man" -- a 1960s hit that was off minding its own business and didn't ask to be dragged kicked and defiled into the new millennium -- turns out to be its own peculiar form of art. YouTube has the horrifying music video right here. The greatness of it is watching Hasselhoff try to get all James Bond and mock serious complete with babes and shadows and retro intrigue. Compared to this, truly, William Shatner's rendition of "Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds" and Leonard Nimoy's of "Proud Mary" are cover masterpieces.

An odd side note: While growing up, for the longest time I thought the song was actually titled "Secret Asian Man," and consequently during a good portion of my childhood I looked at all men with slanted eyes as clandestine operatives. I was obviously not the smartest of kids.

David Hasselhoff Is Inspired to Play the Crying Game

Well, I missed it, of course, but evidently David Hasselhoff of "Knight Rider" and "Baywatch" fame had himself a nice little misty-eyed moment in the crowd at the Kodak Theater after it was announced Taylor Hicks had been crowned the new Idol on "American Idol" on Wednesday night. Did someone also use that moment to have a message hand-delivered to Hasselhoff that his residuals payments were being suspended until further notice?

Life can just be so very unfair.

My pal Angry Tom was not moved by Hasselhoff's sensitive show of wussitude one little bit. I'll let him explain.

"Angry Tom was actually feeling pretty happy yesterday while watching the 'American Idol' finale. Fox finally figured out how to do justice to its top-ranked show with performances by Prince, Mary J. Blige, Meatloaf, Dionne Warwick, Al Jarreau, Toni Braxton and a slew of other singers.

"But then something had to go and turn my wonderful mood completely sour. It's bad enough on a night of a thousand stars that David Hasselhoff found a way to weasel his way into the Kodak Theater, but when the camera caught him crying after it was announced that Taylor Hicks had beaten Katherine McPhee for the title, I honestly felt like I was going to hurl.

"Honestly, what could bring a grown man who has no association whatsoever with the outcome to tears? Could he have been wondering why his career has been reduced to being ridden like an outboard motor in 'The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie'? Maybe he's just found out that his car Kat from 'Knight Rider' had turned up in an L.A. junkyard. Or perhaps he tried on his swim trunks right before the show and realized he will never again appear in another cheesy 'Baywatch' reunion movie due to waist issues.

"Any of those reasons would be acceptable over the notion that he was so moved by the result that it caused him to go all Sensitive Friggin' Male on us, effectively ruining it for the rest of us guys who take such pride in being hardened, one-dimensional, depthless drones. As much as Angry Tom will do his best to remember last night as a nifty musical showcase, it will now forever come to represent the time that David Wusselhoff bawled like a little girl on national TV. What a dang maroon."