Past Deadline

The Big, Big Mystery: What Has Shaq Been Watching?

By Barry Garron

The divorce of Shaquille O'Neal and his wife, Shaunie, proves once again that the bigger they are, the harder they fall. Until a judge rules in the case, we won't know exactly how hard Shaq will fall. However, recent filings in the case, made public by "Extra," show that we're talking about some pretty lofty heights.

The financial affidavit obtained by "Extra" reveals that O'Neal made almost $2 million a month. But before your jaw drops, keep in mind that Shaq had a lot of expenses, as well. According to the affidavit he spent $22,000 a month for maid service. That's probably more than most hotels I've stayed at but I can understand he enjoys clean surroundings.

His monthly clothing expenditure is $17,000, which isn't as big a deal as you think when you consider the amount of material that goes into most of those garments. His monthly vacations cost $110,000 but, then, first class accommodations don't come cheap and I doubt he has time to start fiddling with Priceline.

I admit I was a little puzzled by the monthly expense at the gas station--$23,000. That works out to about 6,000 gallons of gas, or about 200 gallons a day. He must have more Hummers than Gov. Schwarzenegger.

But the figure that really boggled my mind was his monthly cable bill, which came to $1,500. What on earth could you watch to generate a tab like that? Even if you watch adult fare, you'd have to see about five hours a day every single day of the month. If you miss one day, you'd have to see 10 hours the next. Even professional athletes don't have enough energy to justify that kind of expenditure.

So what is Shaq watching for $1,500 a month? I know that HD costs a little more and you get dinged for extra boxes for each TV set. Still, you'd have to get every cable package known to mankind, including programs in Armenian and Chinese, to even start to approach a monthly cable bill like that.

I hope that, in the future, "Extra" can dig a little more and find out what Shaq watches that adds up to a cable bill like that. Regardless, that's got to go down as a record nobody will break for a long time.

Stop the Presses! Stop the Presses! Brit and Kev Are No More

TMZ.com reporting exclusively at this moment that Britney Spears has filed for divorce from husband Kevin Federline, messing with everyone's sense of emotional/psychological balance. The site even has the legal papers right there as a link. The petition, filed in Los Angeles Superior Court, cites "irreconcilable differences" (which might in this case be translated as "spongus interruptus").

Let the war games begin.

Oh, and one more thing: Did you see Britney just kind of pop on and surprise David Letterman last night on his CBS "Late Show," looking svelte and fabulous? It was intriguing timing, to say the least, coming as it did on the day she officially separated from her significant other (without giving any clue).

Perhaps Spears was signaling her newfound availability to the male world. No sense wasting any time.

Witherspoon and Phillippe Do the Splits

TMZ.com reporting that Oscar winner Reese Witherspoon and her non-Oscar winning hubby Ryan Phillippe have made it official that they are separating. This one had been rumored for a good long time but, then, every Hollywood couple is reported to be on the verge of imploding -- with the notable exceptions of Paul Newman-Joanne Woodward and Susan Sarandon-Tim Robbins (and maybe one or two others).

Sounds like divorce is more or less inevitable and that Reese looks to be the future plaintiff here. Let's hope this doesn't get as nasty as that McCartney-McCartney thing, the new standard against which all spectacularly nasty dissolutions must be measured.

At Least No One is Telling Him to Break a Leg

I really thought Paul McCartney was smarter than this. I'm not sure why, exactly. I just did. Maybe it was because I so idolized the Beatles. McCartney is one of those guys who to me will always be larger than life. But the circumstances surrounding his split from wife Heather Mills has unfortunately changed all of that for me. Now, it's tough to shake the idea that the man's just a complete chump.

It's one thing to firmly believe that one's marriage will be forever. It's romantic and optimistic. However, if you happen to have $1.5 billion in the bank and several grown children counting on you to make un-idiotic decisions with regard to their future inheritence, it's monumentally irresponsible. THE MAN DIDN'T HAVE HER SIGN A PRE-NUPTIAL AGREEMENT?????? For someone in his position, that's pretty much unfathomable. On the other hand, what judge would look at the situation -- a man who had long since earned his fortune and re-marrying late in life -- and decide that his estranged wife deserved a quarter of that estate, as is being predicted?

If Mills had been there standing by McCartney's side while he earned his millions, that is of course a completely different story. But to just hand the woman $350 million or so for marrying and divorcing well seems to make little sense. On the other hand, McCartney has only himself to blame for this fiasco. His kids have reportedly long despised Mills, lending credence to the argument she's a mere golddigger. Whether she is or not, she doesn't deserve as much gold as she probably thinks she does. Here is the formula I would use to determine her financial settlement: Mills was with McCartney for four years, or roughly 1/16 of his life to date. How about she gets 1/16 of his fortune (still a not-so-bad $100 million or so)?

Anyway, this avoidable charade adds further fuel to the conclusion that John Lennon was truly the brains behind the Beatles operation -- as we'd already come to suspect. (Losing ownership rights to the Beatles catalog to Michael Jackson? Um, HELLO!) And it's at times like this that I'd give anything to hear what John's take would have been on his former bandmate's marital cluelessness.

Oh yeah, and those statements issued jointly by Paul and Heather and his publicist in which they blame the media for the split? Puh-leeze! Did I miss something, or does this guy maybe have a little experience in the public eye -- say, I dunno, maybe like 42 years' worth or so? -- and that didn't seem to squash McCartney's 29-year marriage to his late wife Linda. It's the device that's hauled out when the truth is too painful or embarassing to acknowledge: when in doubt, blame the press. Nice try, guys.

The divine and hilarious actress/humorist April Winchell has said all that needs to be said about the McCartney-Mills split on her superb blog (www.aprilwinchell.com) with a collection of the following horrid puns -- all stemming naturally from Mills' having a prosthetic limb. (The mock movie poster also comes courtesy of April's blog.)

The Top 10 Worst
Paul McCartney and Heather Mills
Divorce Puns

1. He gave her the boot.

2. It's going to cost him an arm and a leg.

3. She kicked him to the curb.

4. Her lawyer doesn't have a leg to stand on.

5. She's hopping mad.

6. The whole thing has him stumped.

7. It's a big step for her.

8. He was waiting for the other shoe to drop.

9. She's just been going around in circles.

10. Everyone thought that marriage had legs.