Past Deadline

Ken Burns Agrees to Produce 36-Hour Doc on Himself

Just so we get this out of the way, the above headline and story that follows are satire, that revolutionary form of comedy recently denounced by the Bush Administration as being at once "dangerous," "unpatriotic" and "confusing." It is the brilliant creation of longtime writer-producer and friend Rich Procter and -- like the best spoofery -- is but a small tug removed from reality, as anyone who has watched a Ken Burns project through its entirety can attest.

I happen to be a fan of the Burns style. But a stylistic conceit it is -- and, to be sure, an undeniably self-involved one.

This sets the stage for the world exclusive announcement of the following:

"Ken Burns' Ken Burns" -- a 36-hour documentary of and by America¹s self-described "greatest living documentary filmmaker" --has been announced as Burns' next exhaustive project. The indefatigable Burns will examine his own life in obsessive, illuminating detail: 18 two-hour installments backed by his trademark mournful soundtrack (including 74 different interpretations of "If My Friends Could See Me Now"), a 650-page coffee table book, calendars, neckties, napkin rings, a bagel toaster, a children¹s breakfast cereal, an Xbox 360 game, and a nine-volume CD set of his favorite music, including one CD that finds him humming what may or may not be his favorite showtunes.

Narrators will include Morgan Freeman, Garrison Keillor, Maya Angelou, Tipper Gore, Wynton Marsalis, Rosie O¹Donnell, Barney Frank, Joe Frank, Frank McCourt, Frank Deford, Frankie Valli, Studs Terkel, Billy Crystal, Oprah Winfrey, 50-Cent, Gen. Colin Powell, Jaime Escalante, Barack Obama, former Pres. Bill Clinton, Shelby Foote, George Clooney, and the next winner of "American Idol."

"This is the next logical step in my development as America¹s best-loved and smartest person," said Burns at a press conference. "I was the first American to really 'get' the whole Civil War thing. I was the first person to figure out that baseball had a social importance beyond the beer-swilling yahoos who watch it. I forced America to acknowledge that African-Americans had a key role in the birth and development of jazz music. Most recently, I revealed that World War II was fought by average Americans, of the type I often meet on airplanes. Now I want to share my life¹s pilgrimage ­to this point, an adventure that is nothing less than a blueprint for Joseph Campbell¹s 'Hero¹s Journey' ­-- so that others might benefit."

Burns will utilize archival photos, drawings, vintage 8mm family film clips and Javanese shadow puppets to dramatize his life. Interviews will include visits with Mrs. Blanche Goltz, his 3rd grade teacher; Finley Blasingame, his agent; Kent Zimmer, a man he impressed at a party by naming every member of the 1934 St. Louis Cardinals "Gashouse Gang"; and Thorndyke Havrisham Jr., vice president of PBS and the third person ever to call Burns a "genius."

After a lengthy negotiation, Burns has also agreed to an extensive interview with himself. "I didn¹t know if I could get me," Burns admitted. "But after I explained just how important I was to my story, I talked myself into it." He didn't disappoint himself ­in his ability to uncover surprising insights about his own life. "Before I undertook this project," he admits, "I had no idea that I had done so much to enlighten so many ignorant, wretched people. I had no idea I was such an avatar of transcendent edu-tainment, especially as it pertains to my funky soul brothers. And I had no idea that I liked great old movies, romantic walks on the beach, and a glass of wine by the fire."

The entire project will take five years to produce and is budgeted at $11 million. The cost is being underwritten by Exxon/Mobil, the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, and whatever tobacco company is most in need of positive PR spin at the end of this year. The first episode, "From Cosmic Dream-Dust to Potty-Training," will air in 2008. The final episode, "Everything a Human Being Can and Should Be," will likely be broadcast in 2011 but is contingent on Burns' availability for self-interview.

A Little Script In Your Reality Show, My Dear?

Leanna seems like a lovely 20-year old woman. She's also one who, having decided that she has 10 pounds to lose, applied to appear in a reality show called "The Last 10 Pounds Bootcamp."

She's also decided to blog the experience. Suffice it to say, the "reality" of this weight loss show is about as loose as those extra 10.

(The producer) wanted to get shots of me eating potato chips and drinking pop for breakfast. Which again, is not something I do. I was pretty angry at that point and ranted at him for a while until he agreed that it wasn't a good idea (hah). I told him that I did not want to be portrayed as some overindulgent-only eats fast food, type of person. I am far from that, I'm practically obsessed with what I eat. My weight issue is due to wrong choices here and there, not constantly. I will eat well for a week then..er.. "accidentally" eat a whole pizza. But I have too much pride to be portrayed in such a negative way....

They had a table filled with the food I supposedly ate in my food diary.
(I don't recall eating a big plate of Mcdonalds fries?!) So they did the whole "You eat this much sugar! *hands bucket of sugar*", and I had to act disgusted with what I ate.

Then one of the producers had to take me away for coffee while they set up another surprise!! OMG! I had a little chat with her on the way and she apologized for how exaggerated it was, but it does make sense that it is in fact, entertainment.

They only started filming on February 9, by the way. Frankly, I'm a little stunned that nobody made her sign an agreement not to blog.

Now, the notion that reality shows fake some of their scripts is hardly going to cause a scandal. Most of the situations are, of course, artificially constructed. But the idea that from day one scenes are virtually constructed from whole cloth makes it just another dumb program, with no basis in reality -- and no watchability.

And for those wondering, the "Last 10" is actually a Canadian series. I'm quite certain no American reality show would ever consider pushing the envelope so far off the table that it falls into a ravine like these producers have. Right? Right?

--Randee Dawn

Some Headlines That We Can Expect To See In 2007

Gazing into the 2007 crystal ball, I foresee the following happening this year:

DEBORAH NORVILLE REPLACES KATIE COURIC AS 'CBS EVENING NEWS' ANCHOR

It will occur soon after Couric turns 50 this coming Sunday, when CBS will deem her too old to draw viewers wearing a halter top and will go with a youth movement in tapping the 48-year-old, ex-"Today" co-anchor Norville. Later in the year, Jane Pauley will replace Norville, making the circle of irony complete.

OSCARS CLAIMED BY A BRIT, A WIT, A WHIT AND A WHIZ

That will be the headline when Helen Mirren wins as best actress for "The Queen," Eddie Murphy as supporting actor for "Dreamgirls," Forest Whitaker as lead actor for "The Last King of Scotland" and Martin Scorsese as best director for "The Departed."

KEVIN FEDERLINE RUNS LOW ON AVAILABLE TARGETS, IS FORCED TO SPONGE OFF SELF

Federline will also see 2007 as a complete and utter failure because by year's end he will have found no new women to impregnate. OK, maybe one.

O.J. SIMPSON TO FRONT TV SPECIAL 'IF I ATE IT,' SPECULATORY INTERVIEW CONDUCTED FROM THE PERSPECTIVE OF HIS UNFINISHED HAM SANDWICH ON DAY OF DOUBLE MURDER, FOR CW NETWORK

He'll also co-author the "plausible non-fiction" book "A Million Little Clues."

JK ROWLING ANNOUNCES SHE WILL WRITE EIGHTH AND 'REALLY FINAL' INSTALLMENT IN HARRY POTTER SERIES, 'HARRY POTTER AND THE TRULY UNFORTUNATE SELLOUT'

And the decision will stem from the fact that there will simply be too many loose ends that need to be tied up following the forthcoming seventh book "coupled with the fact that a girl's gotta eat."

MEL GIBSON TO DIRECT, WRITE, PRODUCE FEATURE 'MUST LOVE JEWS'

The filmmaker's olive branch to Hollywood will center on a single non-Jewish woman (or "shiksa") whose litmus test for potential male companions is whether or not they can at least appreciate the artistry of "Fiddler on the Roof" during a mandatory viewing.

FOX NEWS TO CHANGE SLOGAN FROM 'FAIR AND BALANCED' TO 'WHAT'S RIGHT IS RIGHT'

It will also use the alternate motto, "Exposing Democrats For the Scum They Are."

ROSIE O'DONNELL DECLARES THAT DONALD TRUMP IS WAY, WAY UGLER THAN SHE IS

Trump will fire back that Rosie is fatter, dumber and poorer -- and besides, "Nanny nanny billy goat!"

OPRAH WINFREY DUMPS STEADMAN GRAHAM, MARRIES 50 CENT

Miraculously, a new talk show hosted by 50 Cent, "My 50 Cents," will go into fast-track development and premiere January 2008.

PARIS HILTON DISCOVERS CANCER CURE

It will win her the Nobel Prize in Physiology/Medicine. She alone will isolate a serum whose primary ingredient is an odorless mineral found in the air at various L.A. modeling agencies.

MICHAEL RICHARDS ALTERS STORY SLIGHTLY; NOW CLAIMS HE'S AN ALCOHOLIC AND ACTUALLY MEANT TO SCREAM 'KEGGER! KEGGER!'

It was the only way he could think to get Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson to stop stalking him.

'PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: AT WORLD'S END' ENJOYS $187 MILLION OPENING WEEKEND

Jerry Bruckheimer to Bill Gates: "Need to borrow a few bucks?"

GOOGLE ANNOUNCES LAUNCH OF JEWTUBE, VIDEO SERVICE DRIVEN BY 'NO GENTILES' RULE

It will also roll out the ghost-themed BooTube along with WhoTube?, grouping videos whose origins and description can't be easily obtained.

ANGELINA JOLIE PUTS BRAD PITT UP FOR ADOPTION; IS IMMEDIATELY CLAIMED BY MADONNA

You know how those wacky Hollywood types are.

IN LATEST TV KNOCKOFF TREND, NBC GREENLIGHTS 'TRENDY BETTY,' FOX 'SLUTTY BETTY,' CBS 'SLIGHTLY OLDER BETTY' AND THE CW 'YOUNGER, DARKER, DUMBER BETTY'

And of course, Showtime will straightaway develop "Pothead Betty" and the Food Network will order six episodes of "Apple Brown Betty," while FX takes its chances with "Bloodlust Betty."

Oh sure, you laugh now.

First life in Second Life for Sundance

It’s an odd thing, trying to explain “Second Life.”

For those who haven’t checked it out, I like to call it a three-dimensional Web page experience. Part Sims, part MMORPG (minus the “game” element), Second Life allows you to visit “land” (as opposed to a Web page) owned by individuals or corporations, interact directly with those visiting the land, watch streaming video and hear streaming audio live (or recorded) – and hundreds of other options. All you have to do is download the (free) software, create an avatar for yourself, and you’re in. (You don’t have to spend a penny.)

The Sundance Channel has been hip to Second Life (SL) since early December, when it started up its own SL blog — on which it announced the channel would be opening its own digs this January, in time to host a virtual version of the Park City Sundance Film Festival. The premiere of “Four-Eyed Monsters” will also be held in SL, with a discussion with the filmmakers (live but in avatar form) after the event. (Date still to be announced, but if you're registered and signed on with SL, this link can help take you to the "Four-Eyed Monsters" location..)

Though nothing can match the sensation of actually being at the Sundance Film Festival, most of us never get to go. (That would include me.) With SL, anyone will be able to wander the virtual Sundance, check out screenings in the special screening rooms (some of which will be private), or even soak in a hot tub. (How appropriate.) Other advantages: A lot less chapstick will be required.

The island (yes, although Sundance takes place in Utah’s Park City, the virtual one is surrounded by water) is still being worked on, so more news will emerge in the ensuing weeks. (You can check some of it out in a raw, in-process state by going to Sheep Island in SL, then heading northeast of there to the Sundance Island, which is how I found the auditorium above.)  In the meantime, anyone who plans on visiting Virtual Sundance in January would do well to download the software now and give the place a try. The learning curve is probably about a half hour, but it’s worth the effort.

See you there! Sort of.

-- Randee Dawn

That Motorola Sure Knows How To Market Cellphones

I pulled this off of the blog of April Winchell, who may be the funniest woman in America whom no one knows is the funniest woman in America. Not sure where it comes from, other than April. All I know is, I want more. And I'm really, really sorry I missed the show.