Past Deadline

Tom Cruise Stalkers, Consider Yourselves On Notice

This, from Conan O'Brien's monologue last week:

"The other day in Los Angeles, a woman was arrested after she was caught trying to sneak into Tom Cruise's house.  When Katie Holmes saw the woman, she told her, 'Be careful, it's easy to get in, it's impossible to get out.'"

So This Is What We've Waited 4 1/2 Months To See

Yes, Suri looks like a baby. A pretty cute one, even. Kinda looks like Tom. That cosmetic surgery stuff can do wonders.

Now...can we move on to securing the homeland and finding that cure for cancer?

The Divine Ms. Katie Winds Up Reading It All By Herself!

They said it couldn't be done, and yet on Tuesday night, there it was: Katie Couric proving in her "CBS Evening News" lead anchor kickoff that a woman can read a TelePrompTer without a single ounce of assistance (in terms of either word pronunciation or sharing of duties) from a man. Dang. Suddenly, the world for those who carry estrogen appears downright limitless. Maybe women can be doctors and lawyers and politicians and cops and soldiers and physicists and even annoying telemarketers. If they can read words flashed onto a screen and do it minus any squinting, all bets are off. It's the beginning of a bold new era, indeed.

Seriously now, Katie did just fine on Tuesday night. Really. I'm not sure exactly what I was expecting, but she exceeded it just by showing up and keeping the perky largely in check. She said the word "Taliban" without giving us a dismissive "whatever that is" smirk. Though she lacked the stentorian authority of a Walter Cronkite or even a Peter Jennings on night one, Couric did show she has better legs. And in the age of style over substance, that has to count for something. She also showed herself to be smooth, well-prepared, confident, the only real fly in the ointment being one out of Katie's control: it was a slow news day (aside from her, of course).

Trumped up by the media as a landmark event in the history of our great nation, the KC debut had a little bit of everything: something old (a voiceover intro from Cronkite), something new (a "Free Speech" segment featuring Morgan Spurlock of "Super Size Me" and "30 Days" fame), something borrowed (a few flashes of that famous megawatt "Today" show smile) and something Cruise (a sneak peek at the breathlessly awaited and long-delayed first photos of mystery infant Suri Cruise, published by Vanity Fair and hitting newsstands on Wednesday).

If the launch fell somewhat short of revolutionalizing the newsgathering profession as we know it, it was reasonably promising nonetheless. As much as I've ridiculed Couric and CBS News for ludicrously insisting they were trying to sneak the $15 Million-Dollar-a-Year Woman on the air without much fanfare and hoping to reinvent a wheel that smacked of antiquity and obsolescence, there was a faint aroma of freshness in the content and presentation and -- so help me -- a certain energetic spark from Couric. There were surprisingly few first-night jitters and bugs in the mix. As disasters go, this one looked more like the first days of a rebuild than the last days of Pompeii. That's at least a slight surprise.

Even the upbeat element designed to leave us with a sigh was refreshingly uncontrived: a heartwarming Steve Hartman report on portraits being painted for dirt-poor Nicaraguan orphans.

The one thing Tuesday night that played as cloying came at the end with Katie's report on famous network anchor sign-offs (including that of the fictitious Ron Burgundy), packaged to accompany her admission that she hasn't been able to come up with a nightly farewell that sounded right -- because, you know, four months and an entire staff catering to your every whim just ain't enough to formulate a decent line or two. It was Couric's "I don't know nuthin' 'bout birthin' babies, Miss Scarlett!" moment, leaving her to reveal her temporary verbal signature: "Thank you so much for watching, and I hope to see you tomorrow night."

I'm not sure if I'll be tuning in on Wednesday, and I have my doubts that anyone below the age of 60 will, either. But for a night, anyway, Couric did well enough to justify a good solid 10% of the hype. The question of whether she has sufficient news chops isn't actually even relevant at a time when many Americans get their information -- if they get it at all -- from "The Daily Show" and YouTube. Forget Brian Williams and Charles Gibson. Couric's real competition is Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert and yesterday's clip du jour. Ergo, she's fortunate to have reached the apex of the network news food chain during such substance-depleted times.

Suri Cruise and Bigfoot: The Facts As We Know Them

Because blog cannot live by Mel alone, we take a little detour (very temporary, mind you) to address another issue that's been near top of mind. That of course would be the purported birth of one Suri Cruise, daughter of Tom Cruise and Kate Holmes, born April 19 and -- as of Saturday, August 5 -- some 108 days young. But the only trace of the famed offspring has been via the words of the fortunate few who claim to have laid eyes upon her celestial being, people like Jada Pinkett, Penelope Cruz and Leah Remini who describe her as "the most beautiful" and "the sweetest" and heavenly and just all-around magnificent.

The truth is that the existence of Bigfoot has actually been documented in a far more convincing way than has that of Suri. Yet both urban legends remain cloaked in great mystery. Let's take a moment to do a little compare and contrast, shall we?

Bigfoot: Hairy, Bipedal, Humanoid   Suri: Hairless (mostly), Immobile, Human (primarily)

Bigfoot: Nickname: Sasquatch   Suri: Nickname: Scientolosquach

Bigfoot: Age estimated to be in excess of 100 years.   Suri: Age estimated to be in excess of 100 days.

Bigfoot: Lives in remote wilderness areas.   Suri: Lives in remote urban area.

Bigfoot: Spotted via chance "sightings."   Suri: Viewed through arranged "meetings."

Bigfoot: Stories of existence thought to be combination of folklore and hoax via numerous reported but wholly unconfirmed detections from unreliable sources.   Suri: Ditto.

Bigfoot: Tracks commonly said to measure 23-25 inches in length.   Suri: Commonly assumed to measure 23-25 inches in length.

Bigfoot: Estimated to be 800 pounds and a form of gorilla.   Suri: Made larger than life -- and possibly even brought to life outright -- by 800-pound gorilla known as Church of Scientology.

Bigfoot: Tales of ugliness and stench abound.   Suri: Tales of beauty and sweetness are seemingly limitless.

Bigfoot: Thought to be missing link between man and ape.   Suri: Thought to be missing link between "Dawson's Creek" and L. Ron Hubbard.

Bigfoot: Profoundly, painfully camera-shy   Suri: Ditto

Bigfoot: Possibly hiding out in order to surface at perfect time to spark tabloid photo bidding war.   Suri: Possibly hidden by father to maximize value for future photo bidding war.

Bigfoot: Suspected of having been created by imagination run amok.   Suri: Suspected of having been created as an outgrowth of a religion sprung from a bad science-fiction novel.

If you ask me, the parallels here are positively chilling.

'The Name Is Holmes. Kate Holmes.'

Tom Cruise can't stand Katie Holmes. Kate Holmes, on the other hand, he says he adores. He took the time a few days ago at the London premiere of "Mission: Impossible III" to explain his reasoning. Said Cruise of the shortened first name for his fiancee: "Katie is a young girl's name. Her name is Kate now. She's a child-bearing woman."

Along those same lines, shouldn't child-bearing women be able to name themselves?

Clearly, all of this scrutiny and attention has taken a toll on The Actress Formerly Known As Katie. Just take a gander at these pix that graphically illustrate the stress.

THEN                  

NOW

Astounding Cruise-Shields Life Parallels Send Random Linkage Junkies Into Obsessive, All-Consuming Dither

It's just all so very unbelievable, isn't it? I mean, what are the chances that Brooke Shields and her arch-nemesis, Tom Cruise, would welcome new children into the world on the same day (Tuesday)? And not only the same day but at the same hospital (Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in West Hollywood) and on the same floor. They simply don't make odds that high in this or any other world, by gosh.

But it turns out that's only the beginning of the surreal series of coincidences that link Shields and Cruise. It's like that whole Kennedy-Lincoln thing, only way way more mind-boggling. The crack Past Deadline investigative team has uncovered some 20 more incredible twists of fate connecting the two that can't help but rock your world.

Consider:

• Both of their surnames have an "i," an "e" and at least one "s."
• Each became the parent of a baby girl.
• Cruise's new daughter Suri weighed in at 7.7 pounds, Shields' new daughter Grier Hammond at 7 pounds. There is at least one "7" in each.
• Each infant measured 20 inches at birth.
• Shields is 40 years old. Cruise is 43. There is a "4" in each.
• Shields defended taking medication for postpartum depression. Cruise shunned drugs for prepartum aggression.
• His birth name is Thomas Cruise Mapother. Hers is Brooke Christa Shields. There are 20 total letters in each.
• Shields is married to Chris Henchy. Cruise in engaged to Katie Holmes. There are 11 letters in each name -- five in the first name, six in the last. Moreover, "married" and "engaged" each has seven letters and three vowels.
• Holmes. Henchy. Both start with an "H."
• Henchy's middle name is Thomas.
• Cruise and Shields appeared together in the 1981 film "Endless Love."
• Both were born in the state of New York -- she in New York City, he in Syracuse.
• She has praised the therapeutic benefits of being prone on a couch in an analyst's office. He is prone to wildly jumping on one in a talk show studio.
• Cruise defends Scientology. Shields defends psychiatry. The first syllable of each is pronounced "sigh."
• Neither has ever collaborated with Pauley Shore.
• Both consider themselves actors.
• Both have worked as producers.
• Both have been the target of jokes on "South Park" (Cruise on the series, Shields in the 1999 feature "South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut").
• Her initials are B.S., while Cruise has been accused of spouting it.
• Shields starred in the 1979 film "Just You and Me, Kid." Cruise was once married to Nicole Kidman.

Pretty amazing, stuff, huh? Anyway, if fate continues to intervene, Shields and Holmes should wind up in the same "Mommy & Me" class. Grier and Suri will become great pals and, around about 2031, write a book together trashing their still-feuding parental units. That will make the irony circle complete.

Katie Holmes Silently Delivers Female Scientological Bio Unit; Tom Cruise Said to Be 'Over the Couch' With Joy

After appearing to be carring a medicine ball around in her abdomen for the better part of a month, Katie Holmes finally gave birth to Tom Cruise's child late this afternoon. It's a girl who tipped the scales at 7 pounds, 7 ounces and measured 20 inches long. She has been given the name Suri, which in Hebrew is translated to mean, "She who is doomed to tabloid overexposure and a lifetime of psychoanalysis in defiance of her therapy-hating father." No word on whether Cruise followed through on his vow to devour the placenta post-delivery.

And how ironic that Cruise nemesis Brooke Shields, who sparred with Cruise in the press over her use of meds to deal with postpartum depression, also had her baby on Tuesday. She too birthed a 7-pound, 20-inch girl. No matter how much Brooke wants to remove herself from the shadow of Tom, it seem they're destined to be linked -- no doubt to her ongoing horror.

His Daddy Abused Him, So Please Buy Tickets

We're all about to discover just how much superstar fuel Tom Cruise really has left in that sputtering popularity tank of his. We'll see if the wacky behavior with Oprah; the brash slamming of psychiatry on "Today" and subsequent snipefest with Brooke Shields; the seemingly choreographed relationship with Katie Holmes; and his whole Scientology fixation have sufficiently soured the public on him to measurably impact Cruise's matinee idol appeal. He's viewed in many circles now as more enigmatic freak than charismatic icon, and that can't help but take a bite out of his box office.

Or will it? With "Mission: Impossible III" looming as The Big Test, Cruise appears to understand all too well that this is destined to be a career-hinging yardstick. And control freak that he so appears to be, he's calculated that the answer is to at least temporarily drop the impenetrability and swagger and grow downright vulnerable, as Sunday's much-hyped cover piece in Parade magazine underscores.

Cruise used his movie promoting platform in a family magazine to open up for the first time about the fact he was abused by his father, who died of cancer in the mid-1980s. But it smacks of disengenuousness, if not outright opportunism, to pull out the abuse card at a time when your personal cred is so tenuous leading up to a make-or-break career moment. The strategic release of such a sensitive part of one's past in tandem with shilling a movie isn't merely an audacious image-softening device; it's also transparently contemptuous of the very public Cruise is so trying to win back to, or keep on, his side.

Good luck on this one, Tommy Boy. You're gonna need it.