Past Deadline

Rachael Ray Announces New 30-Second Meal Plan: Choose Donut, Pay For Donut, Eat Donut

I honestly thought it was a joke when I heard that Rachael Ray was going to be shilling her services to Dunkin' Donuts as an official "brand representative" (the Latin term meaning "To sell out at the altar of saturated fat"). It's like...huh? Whom in the Ray camp thought this was a good idea -- that a mega-successful talk show host and author and a brand whose popularity has launched into the stratosphere over the past six months with the success of her syndicated first-year talk show should allow her name and face to be associated with deep-fried sugar and shortening?

As my friend Joseph Bua point out at his very fine blog I Am a TV Junkie, this decision:

--"Makes no sense"

--"Does damage to her own brand"

--"Makes her the heir apparent to the 'Time To Make the Donuts' guy"

The word is that Ray will "lend her perspective" to the "Dunkin' Donuts culinary team" to develop new "better for you" food and beverage options. And again I ask: "Huh?" What, they're going to start offering Chinese chicken salads, sprout sanwiches and turkey on whole wheat at Dunkin' Donuts? This ain't Dunkin' Veggies, you know? But the mantra is "more health conscious options." I repeat: you don't go into Dunkin' Donuts to get healthy. There are already places for that. They're called restaurants. Are they going to change the name of the chain to "Dunkin' Donuts...And Whole Foods Emporium"? Why not just open a place specializing in auto repair...and Thai massage? Or how about Jack's Sporting Goods and Fine Wines?

This isn't about trying to make Americans eat better. They don't go to donut places for that. It's simply greed. Ray has to be worth zillions at this point. But she needs Dunkin' Donuts? As Bua speculates, this one could well blow up in the cuisine queen's face.

And I mean, check out this quote. She really said this. I swear: "Having grown up in the Northeast, I have a longstanding and deep appreciation for Dunkin' Donuts coffee." Wow. This could help explain why the woman never stops moving. But it's still no reason to risk a golden reputation for a glob of dough, even for a huge bag of dough.

Daytime Emmy Talk Show Diva Time Is Nearly Here

My prognosticating pal Tom O'Neil over at the L.A. Times awards Website The Envelope asked me for a few quotes about the forthcoming Daytime Emmy Awards nominations in the talk show categories that will be announced on Wednesday. And while this normally would inspire only yawns from me -- I mean, is it going to change anyone's life that the feuding Rosie O'Donnell and Star Jones Reynolds could be nominated together for ABC's "The View"? -- I was nonetheless inspired to open my big yap about it.

And you can find my two-cents' worth about the talk host and talk show categories right about...here. But be warned: I come across as unusually snide, rather like a guy who skipped lunch and slept only three hours the night before.

Rachael Ray's Syndicated Talk Show Renewed For Two More Years. God: 'Yes, I'm Afraid I Am Pretty Vengeful'

Word out of the NATPE Convention in Las Vegas is that CBS Television Distribution has renewed "Rachael Ray" -- the "30-Minute Meals" maven's syndicated talk show -- through the 2009-2010 TV season based on ratings since the show's September debut that make it the most popular syndie talk show launch since the rollout of "Dr. Phil" in 2002.

Yes, the deliriously effervescent, incessantly cloying Ray has averaged a sparkling 2.1 household rating since signing on in national distribution after several years as a Food Network staple (which she also remains). This is hardly a surprise, given how she has quickly exploded into a cottage industry of books, a magazine and various and sundry other branded products festooned with the smiling Ray mug.

Ray's latest show is less a gabfest than a cry for help. She is so hyperactive and over the top in her wall-bounding, oxygen-draining enthusiasm that merely watching her requires liberal doses of muscle relaxants to make it through an entire hour. Her popularity also has inspired a major backlash throughout cyberspace, the most high-profile of which is The Rachael Ray Sucks Community at www.rrsux.com (this makes me somewhat nervous since I bear the same initials and thus fear I may be next on the bash list if I don't watch my step). The founder of that site claims to top 300,000 hits each month.

Anyway, it doesn't matter what the Rachael Ray detractors think. She's a hit and that, for now, is pretty much the end of that. I fear that this is God's way of getting us back for global warming. Or global freezing. Clearly, it's Divine retribution on a grand scale.

(Photo montage courtesy FHM.)

An On-Air Stunt Most Fowl

The headline that accompanied this rather jarring photograph was, "Rachael Ray Snaps Chicken's Neck Live On Air." However, it was posted on the site of the satirical 'zine The Onion, so I wouldn't necessarily put a whole lot of stock in it.

Be that as it may...yikes.

Okay Everybody, Just Keep Right On Moving, Nothing To See Here...

So I have been watching the new syndicated daytime talk shows most every day so you won't have to, because that's just the kind of selfless critic I am. I watch. You ignore. Yeah, it's all about giving back for me. But for the most part this represents cruel and unusual punishment for those viewers nationwide who do display the courage to tune in and sample the goods. If this keeps up, the ACLU is bound to step in and put a halt to the civil liberties violations being perpetrated daily on audience members who happen to suffer from a slow trigger-finger on the remote.

My humble assessment so far:

RACHAEL RAY -- She isn't a talk show host so much as a human espresso maker who CAN'T STOP MOVING and REFUSES TO BUTTON HER YAP no matter how much we beg and plead. This is what a tornado sounds like when it's miked. She's such a wall-bouncing bundle of enthusiasm that watching her for 10 minutes makes you feel like you just finished a 20-mile training run for the marathon. She's also yammering on and on about stuff that no normal person much cares about: preparing salad, cleaning the counter, picking out shoes, coordinating your eyebrows to your cheekbones. Unfortunately, Ray just landed a 2.8 average household rating and 9 share for her debut on Monday, the highest numbers for any first-run syndie show since "Dr. Phil" launched in September 2002. Such is life when you have Oprah's personal stamp of approval and backing. You can be a hit in spite of yourself. So we'd best get used to Ray's daily verbal assaults on our senses. The ratings just told her, "You go, girl -- and don't you dare shut your mouth!" Oprah, you'll pay for this.

THE MEGAN MULLALLY SHOW -- I honestly wanted Mullally's show to work because she seems such a good egg. So every time she uttered something that made her sound woefully unprepared (which she clearly was) in her Monday debut, I cringed. Things didn't improve much on Tuesday, alas. Megs appears to have made the classic error of believing she can wing it and eschew much in the way of homework and research. But if you sit down with a subject and strive to have an aimless small-talky conversation as you would on a blind date, that's exactly how it appears to somebody watching: like they've crashed a bad first date where the couple has nothing in common. And if your show is a daily series of lousy dates, you don't remain on the air very long. Mullally is sweet and endearing and funny and, sadly, entirely clueless in this venue. Her 1.2 rating/4 share metered market average for Monday is nothing special, boding poorly for her talk show's continued existence beyond, say, two weeks from Friday.

THE GREG BEHRENDT SHOW -- Yeah, that's what I want to do if I'm in a lousy marriage or a cruddy relationship or I'm having trouble getting over a bad breakup: I wanna go on national television and stand there like a twit while a smug, snarky, recovering stand-up comedian makes fun of me. Where do I sign up for that? No big shocker that Behrendt is bombing out rapidly (a microscopic 0.7 rating/2 share average last week during his debut). The co-author of the keep-it-real bestseller "He's Just Not That Into You" and writer's consultant on "Sex and the City" should have seen this coming. He has no actual credentials for telling people how to run their relationships other than a sharp, wise-ass tongue. He's not dispensing tough love or brutal honesty but self-satisfied smarm. The public isn't going to flock to that five days a week, or even five minutes. Bye bye, Greggy. They're just not that into you.

THE DR. KEITH ABLOW SHOW -- All right, so I like this guy. I really, really like him. He's  kinder and gentler than Dr. Phil (though this of course isn't really saying much, since most crocodiles are as well). Ablow also displays a genuinely caring/concerned dynamic that helps to mitigate his lame-O name. He listens -- really LISTENS -- to his guests and seems to come closer to dispensing actual therapy on-air than nearly all media shrinks who have come before. But in his kickoff week he averaged a mere 1.0 rating and 3 percent share of the audience, which ain't good. This could stem in part from the fact that as kind and connecting as Ablow is, there is also this gnawing predilection for boredom. He isn't the most compelling force on earth even if he's going out of his way to be America's nurturer-in-chief. What you want from a therapist is the showmanship of Dr. Phil with the humanity of Dr. Keith. Perhaps I've just described Jerry Springer.

UPDATE: "Rachael Ray Show" ratings jumped on Tuesday to 2.9 from 2.8 the day before, while those for "Megan Mullally" slipped to 0.9 from 1.2. It's the end of the world as we know it.

She's Young, She's Perky, And She Can't Stop Moving!

Rachael Ray is a mover and shaker, all right, but not always in the best way. After watching her syndicated talk show debut this morning, I'm wondering if she comes in a decaf, because the high-octane version is almost too hyped-up for a single stage to contain. Oprah's latest hand-picked insta-icon is very attractive, highly energetic and as sassy as any girl-next-door packaged for stardom is ever likely to be. But she's already navigating the thin line between charismatic and cloying, and it'll be interesting to see which way the former host of Food Network's "30 Minute Meals" goes in terms of crafting a mainstream image. My full review of "The Rachael Ray Show" runs tomorrow in the Hollywood Reporter. But here's a snippet:

     "Carefully tailored to service the soccer mom crowd racing between work and kids and shopping, 'The Rachael Ray Show' is a syndie daytime talk show-cum-pep rally targeting viewers who are double-parked. It moves along in energetic rat-a-tat-tat style via a series of manic Rachael McNuggets that casts Oprah's very own hand-picked youngster as a whirlwind of hyperkinetic charisma.

     "Indeed, the opening hour casts the former host of Food Network's wildly popular '30 Minute Meals' as a woman in need of Ritalin to slow it down, modulate her pitch and try a little less hard. Ray has an inherent likeability and is certainly easy on the eyes, but she doesn't talk to us so much as screams and might want to consider taking a more leisurely approach. As it is, it's all she can do to keep from using the adoring audience as her mosh pit.

     "Happy to be here after spending the previous five years 'talking to vegetables,' Ray emerges to a cool, loft-like brick set (it spins!) and hip R&B theme music. She quickly (everything here is quick) pours herself a cup of completely unnecessary coffee that she sips while reminiscing at the set's kitchen table.

     "Ray's occasionally squeaky voice is even more adorably anxious than usual, but the crowd clearly already views her as royalty on day one -- screaming wildly with her every breathless piece of jabber. She packs a lot of show -- too much, actually -- into the kickoff that's punctuated by her cuddly asides designed to establish a connection with Jane America."

Quick Meals Are More Important Than We Ever Knew

I just caught up to my Time magazine issue that lists "The World's 100 Most Influential People" and discovered to my great curiosity that Rachael Ray has suddenly been lumped in with Bono, Elie Wiesel, Hillary Rodham Clinton, John Roberts and Bill and Melinda Gates.

Rachael Ray? The successor to Katie Couric's perky throne? One of the World's 100 Most Influential People? In short, this has Oprah's fingerprints all over it (given the fact Ray is getting the Dr. Phil treatment from The Queen with her own Winfrey-paved daytime talk show in syndication next fall). Of course, even Sharon Osbourne got one of them talk shows for a while, so this doesn't necessarily qualify one as an international phenomenon. Ray is known primarily for cooking things in under 30 minutes and saying stuff like "easy peasy." I guess that now makes you a global force. But I mean, what did the woman "influence," exactly? The inability to relax and enjoy a leisurely meal?

  Suddenly, all things seem possible. Why, the Burger King King could be our next Pope!