Past Deadline

The Blue Collar Boy Gets Serious For a Second

It happened Sunday during durng an "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?" session at the TCA Summer Press Tour. The show's cheeky stand-up comedian host, Jeff Foxworthy, was moved by a critic's question to wax eloquent about America's underappreciated corps of teachers.

Said the Foxmeister:

"You know what, I think teachers -- it's probably one of the most difficult jobs in the country and probably one of the most underpaid and appreciated. I expected, when I started doing this show, to get more mail from kids. I mean, there were kids who obviously didn't know me as a comedian or know the 'Blue Collar' stuff. I have been amazed at the mail that I get every week from teachers. Over and over again, teachers are saying you have made it cool to be smart again. And they record the show and they take it into the classroom and they show the show and the kids are interested in it, and they use it as a teaching tool.

"So that was a byproduct of it that I didn't even foresee when I started it. But to me, that's one of the collest elements personally, away from the stage -- that it has made it cool to be smart. You're not made fun of for being a nerd. It shows kids going on TV and beating adults at something, and it's with their brains. So, you know, hopefully maybe this elevates and how we deal with it as a priority in this country."

Who says talk shows can't work miracles?

Kevin Reilly is the Guy You Want in Your Foxhole -- Particularly Now That He's at Fox

You think that you had a wacky past couple of months? Kevin Reilly can relate. Here is what the man has gone through since the middle of May:

--As president of NBC Entertainment, he unveils a new fall primetime schedule that's generally well received in the industry and pacifies critics by renewing the lauded but ratings-starved freshman drama "Friday Night Lights."

--Finds out that he's being replaced by the guy who created one of his prize shows ("The Office"), Ben Silverman, except that nobody bothers to tell him and in fact he's evidently given the option to stay on in a fully neutered capacity. He declines and is given a massive payout (reportedly $6 million) to get lost after having been given a three-year contract renewal mere weeks before.

--Is hired to rejoin his old FX colleague Peter Liguori -- newly-bumped to chairman of entertainment at Fox Broadcasting -- as president of entertainment for Fox working directly under Liguori.

--Finds out last Thursday that three of his NBC children -- "30 Rock," "Heroes" and "The Office" -- have been honored with a combined 27 Primetime Emmy nominations between them. Oh, and the show that scored the most nods of any series, "The Sopranos," landed at HBO only after Reilly had carried the "Sopranos" torch for two years while working at Brillstein-Grey Entertainment.

Even by showbiz standards, this period in Kevin Reilly's professional life qualifies as almost unfathomably schizophrenic. Yet in the end, the guy comes out on top and smelling like the most fragrant of roses, which is a good thing given what a savvy, , gracious and skillfull guy Reilly happens to be. The timing couldn't possibly have been better for him to meet with critics gathered at the beverly Hilton Hotel for the semi-annual TCA Press Tour. He could easily have played the role of smug conquering hero and gotten away with it. That is not, however, his style.

The ultimate Reilly moment arrived during a session Sunday morning featuring he and Liguori after being asked if he was indeed fired by NBC, as this remains a matter of some debate.

The exchange:

Critic: "Just so we're clear because NBC offered a scenario, were you fired?"

Reilly: (Laughing) "NBC said that?

Critic: "No, they said you weren't."

Reilly: "You know, no one's ever really fired in Hollywood, are they?...And no one is ever really canceled. Let's just say, you can pick whatever trade euphemism you want. I 'segued.' I 'thought about it over the holidays.' I 'want to explore other opportunities'...You know, 'I want to spend more time with my family' -- which I did for three days...So you know, all I can say is, however I exited, it actually ended up being very equitable all the way around. There was no sort of pettiness, and it worked out."

That it did. Assuming Reilly is getting at least as much money to join Fox as NBC gave him to have him take a hike, he has demonstrated a novel way to double one's salary. And it all stems from the ever-so-Hollywood idea that one network's albatross is another's wunderkind.

The Fat (Person) Has Sung

PASADENA -- And then, it was over. The nearly two-week-long, semiannual Television Critics Association press tour at the Ritz-Carlton Huntington Hotel in Pasadena is now officially in the books. A lot of good questions were asked. A lot of evasive answers were given. A lot of fattening food was consumed. In the end, we didn't learn a whole lot other than these events are growing less and less necessary when they could be conducted nearly as effectively -- and far more cheaply -- by staging them on the Internet.

That could well be where at least the winter press tour is going. The summertime one is more valuable because it sums up the TV year just concluded and serves to set the table for the fall season ahead. The midseason pow-wow increasingly finds the broadcast networks scrambling to fill even the single day each is assigned with timely panels and product. There's a lot of wasted time and wasted motion. And yet some critics are inspired to blog it live.

A few times, actual news nearly broke out. But that was quickly quelled by one or more publicists determined to make sure the careful choreography wasn't disturbed. Then again, seeing the carnage that just crashed down at Time Inc. last week makes one realize just how endangered a species genuine information is in the purported Information Age.

Anyway, that's that with the press tour. There wasn't much memorable that emerged, but being a fan of dog-and-pony shows, it's always a slice.

'American Idol' Judges -- Too Mean? Isn't That Kind Of Like Saying Hell Is Too Hot?

PASADENA -- So you know, everyone is starting to rant and rave over how the "American Idol" judges -- Simon Cowell in particular, of course -- have grown simply too mean and nasty as the Fox phenomenon opened its sixth season last week, commenting on contestants' looks and even denigrating one young singer whom it was confirmed once competed in the Special Olympics. Shoot, what's next, pulling wings off of butterflies and pushing old ladies over as they're crossing the street?

Have Simon, Paula and Randy, flush with the hubris of being cultural icons, crossed over into outright cruelty?

Oh puh-leeze. Like if they weren't bashing somebody you'd even want to watch.

The "Idol" gang (including the three judges as well as host Ryan Seacrest and executive producer Ken Warwick) put themselves out on the firing line Saturday during the final day of the Television Critics Association press tour. The gathered critics already were tired from nearly two weeks of relentless spin, and the "Idol" panel was 40 minutes late getting started. The teeth were bared and primed to rip into some of that raw supercilious meat positioned at the front of the room.

One early questioner wanted to know where Simon got off making fun of one kid with bug eyes and an obvious "physical problem" -- calling him a "bush baby" -- and whether any of them felt bad that this was said.

Cowell: "There are times, trust me, when I watch it back and I just think, 'God, I wish I hadn't have said that and why do they put it in the show?'. But it's something we all sign up to for good things and bad things. I feel more comfortable being on a show where we are prepared to show the warts as well as just the good things.

In other words, yeah, he feels a little bit bad about saying certain stuff -- but Simon's gonna say it anyway. And tough luck if anyone is offended. And in truth, that's probably the way it should be. Fox has been charged with exploiting horrible singers who have no business being on any stage, much less national television. But in fact everyone thinks he or she is good enough to knock America's socks off. Delusions can run deep. And if it makes for good TV, it's hard to blame the "Idol" producers for taking it and running.

Jackson: "We're just amazed that someone can show up and be that bad."

Seacrest: "But they're serious. Before they go in, I'll look at them and I'm inches in front of their faces. And they're serious. They believe they're that good...But we don't knock on their doors and drag them (in) to audition. They show up."

But another critic wondered, then, why many people already are finding this season to be more cruel than previous seasons given the bashing of a Special Olympics participant. Should they really be making fun of adults with special needs? Is that really necessary?

Cowell: "First of all, I didn't know he had been to the Special Olympics."

Abdul: "None of us knew."

Cowell: "But I think to suggest that because somebody has done something like that they shouldn't be allowed to enter the competition smacks to me of censorship. I'm not saying that it's particularly pleasant to watch. But I don't think we should be censors on the type of people. And what we're trying to be, I think on the show, is representative. A lot of the bad singers you are seeing on the show -- trust me, there are thousands (of others) who didn't make it through."

Jackson: "Do you think William Hung is mad that he came on this show? The guy's made almost a million dollars for being one of the worst singers ever. Do you think he's mad? Are you kidding? he's jumping up and down."

Warwick: "And we got a lot of criticism initially when he appeared."

And there you have it. "American Idol" is nothing if not an equal opportunity humiliator. The good, the bad, the ugly, everyone's fair game. If you're a horrid singer and you leave with your ego sliced to ribbons, well, I agree with these guys that it's really just the cost of being part of such a high-profile amateur talent showcase. If it's sensitivity you're after, you're better off performing in the living room in front of the family.

And just so you know "Idol" hasn't quite cornered the market on frightening auditions, check out this one for the NBC series "Grease: You're the One That I Want." It's a woman named Robin Rosenzweig. Her audition begins about 30 seconds into the clip. Prepare to feel faint.

'The Simpsons' Still Makes Too Much D'oh! To Get Canceled

PASADENA -- It's the show that will never die, even if Bart Simpson (born in 1980) is now technically older than at least one of the writers of "The Simpsons." During a TV critics session here on Saturday attended by creator Matt Groening and James L. Brooks, executive producer Al Jean and voices Dan Castellaneta (Homer) and Yeardley Smith (Lisa), it emerged that the longest-running (by seasons) comedy in television history has no plans to call it quits anytime soon as it moves through its 18th season.

"We definitely are really excited about the stories that we're doing," Jean said. "You know, to be honest, it's not as easy as it was 17 years ago. But I think we would know if we just felt we were really having trouble coming up with ideas, but we're not."

Added Brooks: "To us, it's like if you had a vineyard and you had great years and years where it wasn't. It works like that. It doesn't work in one continuum. I think the last couple of years have been among our best."

What this means, of course, is that the show now figures to hit 20 seasons at the very least (the voices are signed through season 19) and very likely beyond. Earlier on Saturday, Fox Entertainment chief Peter Liguori had already given the show his endorsement to be on the air in originals pretty much as long as the show's crew wanted to be. "The Simpsons" remains an island of comedic consistency in a sea of fickle tastes. And while many believe the show's best days are long behind it -- I myself pointed out a "jump the shark" moment in this season's Halloween episode -- it tends to rebound in quality just when you've dismissed it as a shadow of its former self.

"The Simpsons" really could go on and on and on. The machinery remains in place for a run of, who knows, 25 years? Even 30? It honestly could happen. To be sure, a huge spotlight is about to be shone on it with the hype surrounding both the show's landmark 400th episode (in May) and the much-anticipated "The Simpsons Movie" (in July).

Speaking of that movie, the critics gathered on Saturday were just wondering when any of us might find out what the film is about, given the kind of secrecy surrounding the storyline as might befit a CIA spy operation. We were told that a new trailer comes out in February that, well, tells us what the movie's about a little. And then one will arrive in theaters in May that evidently tells us a little bit more.

Jean: "We're still trying to figure out what the movie's about."

A Very Special 'Everybody Hates Chris' Starring...Michael Richards?

PASADENA -- It happened on Friday during a TV critics press tour session for CW's "Everybody Hates Chris" that featured producers Chris Rock and Ali LeRoi and stars Tichina Arnold, Terry Crews and Tyler James Williams:

Critic: "Chris, a little while ago you used the N-word. It's a big thing now that we have Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson and others saying maybe you shouldn't use that at all, because you trivialize...what are your feelings on that?"

Chris Rock: "Oh man, I don't know. I just told my broker to buy me 80 shares of 'Coon'."

Tichina Arnold: "Why would you ask him that question? Why?"

Critic: "That's why I asked him."

Ali LeRoi: "He's going to get home, 'Honey, you wouldn't believe what he said, 'Nigger' and 'Coon.' It was crazy!"

Terry Crews: "We need Michael Richards as a guest star. If he really wants to, if he's really sorry, he will come on our show. He's welcome."

Critic: "Seriously?"

LeRoi: "We want Michael Richards."

Arnold: "We want Michael Richards."

Rock: "He's busy working on 'Apocalypto II'."

(Later:)

Critic: "Seriously, would you offer a job to Michael Richards?"

Rock: "Wow. I don't know. Probably. I don't know. I mean, I'd have to make sure all of the other non-'Nigger!'-screaming people didn't need jobs first. Once they were all working I guess I would have to give him a job."

(Photo courtesy Getty Images)

CBS Resolves To Steer Clear of The Dark Side, Even Though the Ratings Are Better

CBS Entertainment President Nina Tassler wasn't taking any chances Thursday morning during CBS's portion of the TV critics press tour event that's currently winding down. Having previously experienced the wrath of this bunch, she had no intention of facing down these nattering nabobs of negativity on her own. So Tassler brought along a couple of high profile friends: Nancy Tellem, president of the CBS Paramount Network TV Entertainment Group; and Kelly Kahl, CBS's senior executive VP for programming operations.

Here Tassler had some legitimate -- and decidedly atypical -- stuff to brag about: namely, that the long older-skewing CBS had just moved into first place for the season in adults 18-49, which in itself is a major indicator that the earth has begun to spin in the opposite direction on its axis. It ain't quite MTV's demographics, but here it qualifies as a youth movement.

But it was just Tassler's luck to run straight into a buzzsaw of a different sort: the premiere this week of "American Idol" on Fox with its peerless dominance and propensity for laying waste to anything that dare test its mind-numbing power.

Suddenly, the session was transformed into an allegory of good vs. evil, the primetime landscape now analogous to an interplanetary faceoff of "Star Wars" proportions. "About the Death Star," began one critic, referring to "Idol," "other than sending in a plucky band of rebels, what do you do?"

"Well," Tassler replied gamely, "we can talk first of all about the Tuesday night performance of 'NCIS' for us. And even though the lights were off everywhere else, we like to say we had our deflector shield up."

"Our shows hang in there OK," reasoned Kahl, "while the other guys get...vaporized."

Yes, just when Tassler felt like she was finally managing to find solid footing in this potshot gallery, she somehow steps into "Stars Wars, Episode VII: The Wrath of Simon."

It was time for Tassler to move on to a topic with which she's more comfortable than having to tangle with Darth Cowell and his minions: the fact that CBS remains the most successful proponent of closed-ended procedural dramas like the three-pronged "CSI" franchise at a time when its fellow networks seem to be moving increasingly to serialized hours (with decidedly mixed success).

"Earlier this year we were talking about kind of throwing out the rule book and really trying new kinds of shows," Tassler stressed. "Barbara Hall will be doing a show for us about demons and exorcism. We're also doing 'Viva Blackpool.' We're doing a musical."

And what about this sudden surge in the 18-49 crowd? Was CBS in danger of abandoning its loyal core of Geritol and Depends users? "We are still interested, obviously, in all demos," Tassler assured.

Yes, even the Justin Timberlake demo, as it turns out. After CBS's problems a few years ago with a certain Super Bowl halftime show and Timberlake's participation in the famed "warerobe malfunction" with Janet Jackson, the network is now featuring the singer on the Grammy telecast and a Victoria's Secret special. One critic inquired as to the message that might send.

"Certainly (Timberlake is) prominent in the Grammys," Tellem allowed. "Obviously, as we're looking ahead to the Grammys, we also have to look at his popularity as well."

The other issue that seemed to strike a cord with critics on Thursday was the decision to air an episode of "Criminal Minds" following the Super Bowl telecast when the group appeared to have its heart set on the copmedy "How I Met Your Mother" to enjoy the windfall of the year's biggest audience lead-in.

Kahl: "'Criminal Minds' is, I think, the fastest-growing drama on TV this year from season to season. We're trying to kick iot up a notch...There's a whole audience out there that we're hoping to expose it to...I don't know that 'Grey's Anatomy' was a great fit (last year for ABC), you know, kind of a female-skewing soiap coming out of the Super Bowl. But it really worked for them. I think the point is you've got a huge audience sitting there, and if you have the chance to introduce them to a new show, you take it."

As long as The Death Star is nowhere in sight.

Donald Trump Hates To Keep Having To Trash Rosie, But It's Become Part Of His Daily Routine

Hurricane Donald blew into Pasadena Wednesday afternoon for a Television Critics Assocation press tour session promoting the new season of NBC's "The Apprentice," and of course the big question most in attendance wanted to hear Donald Trump answer didn't surround ratings but a woman named Rosie O'Donnell.

Yes, it's the schoolyard tauntfest that the media will not let die and, let's face it, that Trump has opted to milk for every last morsel of ink and airtime in the interest of goosing interest in his primetime baby. Walking publicity machine that he is, Trump made it clear from the get-go that while he hated to have to talk about his running feud with O'Donnell day after day, he had little choice since the media kept bringing it up and he is constitutionally incapable of saying "No comment" or "That ship has sailed."

His initial response to the reporter's question said it all.

Question: "So you regret how much this has gotten out of hand or fear that this has crossed the line?"

Trump: "No."

And there you have it.

Not that Trump had any intention of leaving it at that.

"The real question is when does it stop," Trump, flanked on a panel by daughter Ivanka, son Donald Jr. and season one "Apprentice" victor Bill Rancic<cq>, told the critics. "I think I exposed her for what she is. She's just a terrible, disgusting human being, and not very smart...I don't talk about Rosie (anymore) but every question is about Rosie...If somebody attacks you, a lot of the folks in this room would defend themselves. I have always defended myself. She attacked various elements of me and she was wrong in all cases. I've watched her attack people over the years and I've watched people not fight back. She's a bully.

"The one thing I learned in high school is, if you're attacked by a bully, you hit the bully hard right between the eyes and that's what I did."

Later, after Trump was asked if he fears any public backlash due to his, uh, candor: "I think my image has actually been helped. It shows that if somebody says something and it's a lie, that you are willing to sorrect that person...I think people respect that I fought back and I fought harder than she did. Some people thought I was very harsh. But Rosie's a slob and I'm not afraid to say it...I think it was the fact I was so non-politically correct that people liked."

The only thing Trump regrets in this whole scenario is that his word war with O'Donnell has helped boost ratings for her ABC daytime show "The View." However, he predicts, "Two weeks from now, the ratings will tank and there will be turmoil...Barbara Walters hates Rosie O'Donnell."

Speaking of "The View," an earlier press tour panel on Wednesday promoted the freshly-revamped "Today" show featuring "View" alumnus Meredith Vieira co-anchoring alongside 10-year vet Matt Laurer. The session proved to be pretty much a love-fest in discussing the seamlessness of the transition from Katie Couric to Vieira and the announcement last week that the show will be adding a fourth daily hour beginning in September.

NBC News president Steve Capus called the the decision to add a fourth hour to the broadcast "a natural extension of the three-hour program" and hoped to gain affiliate clearances for the extra hour on most, if not all, of the stations. "We want it to be a 10 a.m. show, and we'll work with the stations to get it there," he said. " "But we're not going to be foolish and say it's 10 a.m. or nothing."

"Today" executive producer Jim Bell added that hour four "will look a lot like the third hour...It might be a little lighter, but it's still going to be of the highest quality." But as Capus noted, Vieira won't be part of the additional hour due to contractual obligations surrounding her work hosting "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire."

Lauer admitted some trepidation with the idea of a fourth hour, however, copping to "slightly mixed emotions" and a fear of the brand potentially getting diluted. He added, "But I have great confidence, and I understand the reasons it's happening...and I think the brand can sustain it."

A critic later asked Lauer "how much more" he likes Vieira than Couric.

"I like them differently," Laurre replied diplomatically. "That's just a terrible question. You know what, it's a different dynamic. I had 10 great years with Katie siting next to me and me sitting next to her...And I think Meredith was probably smartest about this of any of us, in that she didn't come in and try to be Katie. She came in as Meredith, and that's why she got the job in the first place."

If Nukes Don't Faze Jack Bauer, What Chance Does 'Heroes' Have?

Up until now, the heroes of NBC's "Heroes" have had Monday nights all to themselves, at least in terms of saving the world from a catastrophe. When they return next week for the second half of the season, though, they'll compete against Jack Bauer of Fox's "24." Bauer doesn't technically have superpowers, unless you count his superhuman ability to fight terrorists around the clock with no sign of exhaustion.

And, in a little while, the competition gets even more intense. On ABC, superheroes in ballroom dance costumes will begin facing off again.

While "Heroes" has become the surprise hit of the season, it was nonetheless time to stoke the publicity machinery. So NBC brought nearly the entire cast to the semiannual TV critics' press tour in Pasadena on Wednesday, along with the network's own superhero, showrunner and creator Tim Kring. Asked about the upcoming battle of world-savers, Kring said he hoped the two shows would bring more viewers to the night, a response which may have been his own but sounds suspiciously like a pre-fabricated answer from NBC's extremely efficient PR department.

Then he added some words clearly from the heart: "You know, I would be lying if I said I didn't have -- I wasn't worried that we weren't going to take a little hit from them."

Kring was everything you'd expect from a leader of "Heroes,"--confident, poised and fearless. At one point, though, his diplomatic skills got overextended.

He was asked about the large numbers of fans who discuss and disect the show on the internet. Initially, he confessed he hadn't the time to read much of what was being said. Then, perhaps not wanting to offend the rabid fans with keyboards, he added: "It's an important tool to sort of ook at what is trending either negative or positive.

So, came the follow-up, exactly what seems to be trending negative or positive. "I can't think of anything specific," confessed Kring.

Most of the questions at the half-hour session were perfunctory or narrow in scope. However, Kring assured critics and fans that he had been given sufficient time to plan for a 23rd episode of the show this season so that the story could be laid out evenly.

Some questions were directed to cast members. Of these, the best response came from Hayden Panettiere, who plays an indestructible cheerleader on the series. When the entire cast was asked if they were worried about Kring's earlier statements promising to kill off a superhero from time to time, Panettiere responded: "I die all the time. I'm really Kenny in 'South Park.'"

The other thing about "Heroes" is that it should turn out to be a DVD marketing dream. Kring said each season will have its own major story event. There won't be some overarching mystery that permeates the entire run of the show. "It allows us not to have to deal with a giant, complicated plot line," Kring said.

And it will allow each season DVD set to stand pretty much on its own.

--Barry Garron

Aaron Sorkin To the Los Angeles Times: Bite Me! (or words to that effect)

1. Aaron Sorkin, exec producer of NBC's "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip," has a beef with the Los Angeles Times as big as a herd of Texas longhorns.

He didn't bring it up when TV critics gathered for the semiannual press tour surrounded him during a trip to the "Studio 60" set on Tuesday, but he didn't hold back, either, when one critic asked him about a Times story that ran Christmas Day by Deborah Netburn. The story said "many comedic writers appear to hate Sorkin's 'Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip.'"

"I'm taking a moment to think whether I should answer that question honestly or diplomatically," Sorkin said. "Honestly," the critics shouted. "It's the best policy," said one. So Sorkin let loose.

"You get a lot of negative press when you do a show," he said. "It's the cost of doing business. It's not fun but you get used to it. The piece in the Los Angeles Times was different. First of all, it was the third piece the Los Angeles Times did in four months about how people on the internet don't like 'Studio 60.'...As if there aren't people on the internet who do like 'Studio 60' and as if there are people who don't like other shows.

"But that wasn't the most aggravating part of the story. The most aggravating part of the story was that the comedy writers which she was referring to, first of all, her headline was 'Writers Don't Like Studio 60.' She was smart to ignore the fact that the show had been nominated a week earlier for two Writers Guild Awards. That would have undercut her thesis."

Next, Sorkin lit into the comedy writers mentioned in the story. Based on the headline, he expected to be attacked by the likes of Stephen Colbert, Tina Fey or Seth Meyers, "real comedy writers." Instead, he said, those that attacked him were unemployed and disgruntled. "It's not at all difficult to go on the internet and find the opinions of disgruntled people."

(For the record, the headline on the Times piece, not written by the writer, was "Comedy Writers Aren't Laughing About '60.'" The subhead, below the headline, said, "Some in the biz openly disdain the series set at a late-night sketch show.")

"So that L.A. Times piece was a piece of nonsense," Sorkin concluded. "There have been negative pieces written about the show which, like I said, I did not want to read but I get it...I don't necessarily agree with them but it seems to me that it's a well-considered piece of journalism. This is not that. The L.A. Times should be ashamed of themselves. That an Arts section in a paper in a town like Los Angeles should run with a piece like that, that was just God-awful."

"Studio 60" returns to the air Monday with seven consecutive new episodes. Lovers of good drama can only hope more people tune in. For his part, Sorkin says he is optimistic the show will be renewed. "I'm not thinking about the back nine episodes. I'm thinking about the next season," he said.

--Barry Garron

If You Want Respect In Pasadena, It's Best To Work On a Chicken Farm

My distinguished writer friend Ken Levine -- maintainer of the blog By Ken Levine (please visit him, as he now lists my blog in his links and I've promised him at least five additional hits a day via my own links) -- knows what it's like to have to face a roomful of angry and/or bored to tears TV critics from the producer side. With the semiannual critics press tour moving through its second and final week in Pasadena, Levine was inspired to weigh in on this peculiar rite of summer and (currently) winter.

But as two of my critic colleagues, the Hollywood Reporter's own Barry Garron and the Kansas City Star's Aaron Barnhart, accurately pointed out to Levine, the "junket" days of network comps and flight/hotel freebies are long a thing of the past (that is, if they ever much existed at all). Critics and their publications pay for the privilege of being wined, dined and spun into submission.

Ken's post:

For the most part I’ve gotten along with TV critics. Okay, Tom Shayles once blamed me personally for the downfall of television but he may have been right. Plus, in my capacity as blog wise-ass, I’ve done my own share of TV critiquing. So I have empathy for them. When some stink burger crosses my screen I can turn it off. They have to watch it…along with four additional episodes that are even worse. Hell, just the TEN COMMANDMENTS mini-series would kill me.

Currently the nation’s TV critics have gathered in Pasadena for the bi-annual spin fest called the TCA Convention. Here networks, show runners, and stars ply them with shrimp and Bloody Marys hoping to get good reviews and favorable press. On the surface it sounds like a good deal. Free trip to LA, comped room at the Ritz-Carlton. But then you realize what’s expected of them. Sitting in a conference room eight hours a day for two weeks hearing one dog and pony show after another. Imagine being trapped in a room while the producer of WHO’S YOUR DADDY talked for an hour about how groundbreaking and important to society his show was. If networks gave out ice picks as swag you’d jam it in your skull.

On the other hand, this TCA dance is no fun for producers either. Three times I have had the pleasure of sitting on stage touting my shows. I looked out at a room of 100 bored restless people who dared me to say anything they hadn’t heard fifteen times already… that day.

For one of our sessions we followed a producer who insulted all of the critics, made fun of one member’s accent, and listed every euphemism for vagina he could think of. By the time we got up to speak there was almost a mutiny.

Another time we confronted them after our studio’s crack PR department gave them swag so cheap and insulting that we became the laughing stock of the convention. We got questions like, “Will your show be in color?”

Only once did we have a good session, and that’s thanks to actor, Kevin Kilner. It was the first year of ALMOST PERFECT. Along with fellow co-creators David Isaacs and Robin Schiff, the show’s stars, Nancy Travis and Kevin Kilner joined us on the panel. For the first half hour it was the usual -- they asked rote questions and typed our rote answers even before we gave them. Finally, one reporter asked Kevin Kilner what his background was. He said that before he became an actor he was an accountant for a chicken farm. And then he said, “Do any of you guys know how they slaughter chickens?” I thought, “Oh Christ, we’re so dead.” But the critics all woke up. Suddenly a topic they hadn’t heard. So Kevin described in graphic neck-snapping detail how chickens are killed and for the next fifteen minutes we held them in rapt attention. And ALMOST PERFECT got the best reviews in our career.

So the lesson here is if you’re a producer scheduled to meet the press later this week, talk about anything other than your show. I think the topic of what goes into hotdogs is still open.

And if you’re one of the critics, the conference room now has Wifi. Go to pogo.com. There are hundreds of free online games.

And we’ll see you again in July and do it all over again. With fifty great NEW shows, much better than the 50 great new shows that are premiering now.

In Cable, Winning Isn't Everything; It's the Only Thing

People say that all the news is gloom and doom. They should have attended the cable portion of the Television Critics Association press tour, held last week at the Ritz-Carlton Huntington Hotel in Pasadena.

There, over a four-day period, practically every cable channel was a winner. Viewers came out of the woodwork like construction workers during an INS raid.

Everywhere you turned, practically every cable network was bombarding critics with news that 2006 was the year of which dreams were made. Ratings were up, as if on steroids. Some examples:

Rich Cronin, GSN: "2006 was a fantastic year for us."

Michael Hirschorn, VH1: "2006 was the best rated and most watched year in the channel's history."

Lauren Corrao, Comedy Central: "Last year was Comedy Central's best year ever."

Jed Drake, ESPN: "2006...was the most remarkable year ever for ESPN."

Forget about Philadelphia. Everything's sunny in Pasadena.

More examples:

Jeff Gaspin, USA: "USA ended the year as the No. 1 network for the first time in six years." Also, Sci Fi had its "best ratings since 2002."

Gary Marsh, Disney Channel: "2006 was an extraordinary year...We actually finished tied for first place in household primetime ratings with USA."

John Solberg, FX: "Ratings for 2006...were the highest ever for the network."

Lauren Ong, National Geographic Channel: "2006 was our most watched year ever."

Paul Lee, ABC Family: "We just finished, literally, our most successful year ever."

If cable networks weren't crowing about their total numbers, they were bragging about their growth:

Johnathan Rodgers, TV One: "We were the fastest growing cable network by percentage in 2006."

Henry Schleiff, Hallmark: "The fastest growing, ad-supported cable network among the Top Ten networks measured by Nielsen."

Well, sure. And I came closest to winning a Pulitzer among all critics over 6 feet tall and born in Chicago currently employed at entertainment trade publications.

Even the networks that couldn't massage the ratings numbers managed to put a happy spin on them. Of these, my favorite was Rob Sharenow of A&E, who declared: "We ended 2006 on a real high."

He must have gone to the same New Year's Eve party I attended.

--Barry Garron

TV-Movies Continue Their Incredible Disappearing Act

Pasadena, CA -- If you watch a lot of broadcast television and can't remember the last time you saw an actual, full-length, original made-for-TV movie, it isn't because you're having a senior moment or a weed-induced spaceout or anything like that. It's because almost none are being produced anymore. All have migrated to cable, and even those are dwindling annually.

Remember the 1980s? It seemed that ABC, NBC and CBS had 3 or 4 telepics on in primetime every week, documenting every disease, every spousal abuse scenario, every imaginable criminal act (both fictionalized and fact-inspired). Well, get this: It appears as if ABC is going to roll through an entire fall-to-spring TV season without airing a single TV-movie. Yep, not even one. This was more or less confirmed by ABC Entertainment president Stephen McPherson during his session with TV crritics at the Ritz-Carlton Huntington Hotel here.

The original strategy had been to air one: a remake of the classic "A Raisin in the Sun." But that is now being earmarked for next season. Circumstances are conspiring to keep the season free of TV-movies entirely at ABC for perhaps the first time in more than 35 years, going back to the early 1970s. But McPherson insists the deep-sixing of the genre isn't by design and that it remains a good and viable programming element as a big-event player during sweeps.

"I (still) think there are select opportunities that you'll look at -- whether it's a mini or it's a movie -- that can help your schedule, and I think it also rounds out your overall creative," McPherson said.

The closest thing that ABC has had to an in-season telepic this year was the controversial two-nighter "The Path to 9/11" that drew fire from the left for its perceived right-wing political agenda -- a charge I happened to have agreed with. It aired last September just prior to the start of the official 2006-2007 campaign and found ABC forced to make numerous last-minute trims to mollify those calling for the film to be pulled before air (which I would not have endorsed, free speech zealot that I am).

For his part, McPherson said the network "loved" the film and stands by it. He also denies that it was irresponsibly fictionalized or at all driven by any campaign to distort the facts.

"Everything in that movie is backed up tenfold," he insists. "We think it was a really important thing to air.  And you know, it's unfortunate that, for other agendas, people tried to squash it." When it was pointed out that ABC tried to backpedal with its last-minute alterations on 'Path to 9/11,' McPherson shot back, "We didn't backpedal. We aired the movie. We didn't change anything for those guys. We aired it as planned on the dates that were planned.

"I mean, it's a little odd to have (former National Security Advisor for the Clinton Administration) Sandy Berger telling you about what's truthful or not when he was indicted for stuffing documents into his pants on this very subject."

ABC Programming Chieftain Declares 'Lost' Isn't Lost At All -- Except, You Know, Maybe a Little

Pasadena, CA -- Speaking to the assembled television press bright and early on Sunday morning, ABC Entertainment president Stephen McPherson -- more relaxed and jovial than during similar sessions in recent years -- insisted that despite claims that the megahit "Lost" had literally lost its way creatively during the kickoff of its third season this past fall, he believes the show is in fine shape, thanks very much, before admitting that he didn't really much like it at all. Perhaps that's a bit like voting for the intiative before voting against it.

"You know, I liked it. I think that (executive producers) Damon (Lindelof) and Carlton (Cuse) made a clear choice that that first installment would be really about the experience of Jack and Kate and Sawyer and The Others," McPherson said. "I thought it was really a riveting six episodes, and the production values, I think they exceeded even their own standards. But I like it when they're all together, and I think we're headed toward that when you come back after (the hiatus)."

Indeed, many have criticized the decision to launch "Lost" in the fall only briefly and give it a four-month rest throughout much of the fall and winter. (It finally returns to ABC's schedule in February.) McPherson admits this way have been something of a mistake in hindsight and looks to go the route Fox does with "24" next year.

"I even said last fall, ideally the way you would do 'Lost' is 22 straight (episodes), 23 straight, as many as we had done. I think for us, given where we were in our development, we really needed to (launch it) in the fall...I think coming into next fall there's a good chance we would run it 22 straight either in the fall or in the spring."

McPherson also spoke to the idea that committing to so many serialized dramas last fall may well have been a tactical error, certainly considering the weak performances of "The Nine" and "Daybreak." But he stands behind having committed to them despite his admission they were both "big disappointments."

"The shows were incredibly well-produced," he maintained. "We loved the shows creatively...It may have just been the timing." The programming guru added that both "The Nine" and the poorly-rated freshman drama "Six Degrees" still have a chance to return to the sked this spring despite having been pulled. "Six Degrees," in fact, is currently in production to finish out its original 13-episode order.

But McPherson insisted on Sunday that all is well in ABC-ville. The ballyhooed move of "Grey's Anatomy" to Thursdays opposite "CSI" has worked out better than anyone could have expected, and "we have two of the top three new shows in 'Ugly Betty' and 'Brothers & Sisters," he pointed out. "We're up in total viewers on Monday night without 'Monday Night Football.' We're the number one network 18-49."

That said, manby of ABC's rookie series have struggled to find their footing. That includes the comedy "The Knights of Prosperity," a half-hour built around the robbing of Mick Jagger. But McPherson maintains he is still committed to the genre.

"The great thing is that people are taking chances," he believes. "I mean, for us, taking chances is what redefined us...We hope we can get a bigger audience for (comedies). But I also don't think that the sitcom is dead. I don't think I could point to a great multicamera show that has been put on the air, marketed well, and failed. So it's frustrating. It's challenging. We definitely want bigger audiences for them. I believe that comedy is due to kind of explode."

McPherson's sole announcement on Sunday was that its hit "Dancing with the Stars" will return to the schedule with a pair of two-hour editions on March 19 and 26.

Ken Burns -- Now Commercial-Free Through 2022

Pasadena, CA -- During the PBS end of the TV critics press tour on Saturday, John Boland -- who calls himself the "chief content officer (CCO)" for the pubcaster, which apparently means that, like most officers, he will slap the cuffs on all lawbreakers -- announced that PBS has extended its relationship with filmmmaker Ken Burns ("The Civil War," "Baseball," "Jazz," the forthcoming "The War") through the year 2022. This means that Burns will be allowed only to work on projects for PBS over the next 16 years.

Most of us are week-to-week or, at best, month-to-month in our work lives. Burns isn't even year-to-year; he's more like decade-to-decade. His deal calls for him to deliver at least three major new series for PBS as well as several smaller-scale docs. Not bad work if you can find it, you know? But if anyone deserves that kind of revered treatment, it's undoubtedly Burns, whose projects are not only distinctive for their style but pretty much unparalleled for their quality.

I still believe that "The Civil War" was the single finest thing I've ever seen on television. If you have a chance to lock this guy up for the rest of his professional life, it makes a whole lot of sense to do it. And if he needs someone to carry his bags, I'm available on weekends.

Donald Trump? A Publicity Stunt? Say It Ain't So

Pasadena, CA -- It seems the TV critics just can't stop talking about the Donald Trump/Rosie O'Donnell  A) Feud  B) Schoolyard Taunt-fest  C) Publicity Stunt;  D) Ego Orgy  E) All Of the Above. James Hibberd of the trade magazine TV Week has noticed and decided to make it easy for everyone on his blog Critical Eye by listing the following collection of replies to the ongoing unfathomable curiosity.

Panelist: Lisa Ling, here to promote her new Oxygen documentary “Who Cares About Girls.”
Rosie v Trump Connection: Former “The View” co-host.
Response: “I’m astounded that people really care. I really am. I have to be frank …I’m trying to talk about some of the work that I’ve been doing, you know, and people are always eager to ask about ‘The View.’”

Panelist: Danny DeVito, here to promote FX’s “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia,” on which he appears.
RvT Connection: He was recently drunk on ‘The View.’
Response: “I know both of them. They’re really, like, very nice people. I think if I had to choose between Donald and Rosie … it would make a difference what I was, you know, planning on doing with either of them … I guess it’s good publicity for them, but they should chill, work it out.”

Panelist: Mark Burnett, here to promote the MTV Movie Awards.
RvT Connection: Executive producer of Trump-hosted “The Apprentice.”
Response (when asked if he’s given Trump “any direction” on how he should compose himself): “That’s a great question. Have I given him any direction? You think he’d fucking listen to me? That’s the funny part about ‘The Apprentice.’ [Asking himself] Mark, are you behind the scenes telling [Trump] who to fire? You must be joking … I’m honestly friends with Rosie and with Donald, and I’m sitting back like everybody else, and its quiet today. I’m really happy that it’s quiet.”

Panelist: Steve McPherson, President, ABC Entertainment
RvT Connection: None, really. “The View” is on ABC, but somebody should pull aside the critic to tell them McPherson is in charge of primetime. An ABC executive, convinced critics would know better and not ask a RvT question, loses a $20 bet to a trade reporter over this.
Response: “To me the entire thing is a publicity stunt for ‘The Apprentice.’ That’s all he’s trying to do is sue people and make waves.”

It's David Milch's World. The Rest Of Us Just Wonder Which Alien Race Hijacked His Brain

Pasadena, CA -- Allow me to be the first to say it: David Milch looks like us and walks like us, but he surely doesn't talk like us. Perhaps this is because he comes from the planet Whoa!, but from what I could tell late Friday afternoon at the TV Critics powwow here, he at least seems to mean us no harm. I say this with utter admiration, since not only does it generally not require excess thought to comprehend what one is saying during one of the maddeningly repetitive panels; it very often mandates something of a cerebral shutdown. Not so Milch, whose surrealistic, cross-referencing, profoundly enlightened style of patter during a session promoting his forthcoming new HBO series "John From Cincinnati" set a bold new standard for mystical, oft-cheeky metaphor.

It was unclear whether he was screwing with everyone's collective heads or what. But knowing Milch (at least perpiherally), I would say it was just Milch giving us all a rare trip inside Dave's World. Only the "Deadwood" creator could sell HBO a paranormal show about surfing.

Here was the gospel according to Super Dave:

"What (co-exec producer Kem Nunn) and I were interested in engaging were themes having to do with the borders and margins of things -- political, geographical and spiritual as well...And I think you'll find that surfing is kind of the door that you walk through, but there's a whole world on the other side.

"I think that one man's mystical is another man's day-to-day. As Luis Guzman, the wonderful character actor, remarked, 'If you do that where I'm from, we build you a shrine. In other words, no one thinks that -- so how people deal with the abrupt entrance into their lives of what might be explained or discounted is sort of the subject matter of the material...To my mind, reality is a shifting and elusive condition. It redefines itself constantly. The actors find one of my most endearing qualities, my insistence after they have located and beautifully conveyed the state of mind or spirit of a character: I'll say, 'Can you try and suggest simultaneously the exact opposite?' and then I duck.

"And which is to say that, when I was saying that this is a story that takes place on the margins of things, the attempt to identify the coordinates of reality is itself a kind of problematic and conditional effort. It's changng all the time.

"I think surfing...the first thing to say is I don't have the vauguest idea about serfing in terms of lives experience. But by the same token, I didn't live in 'Deadwood' in 1876, either. And what one tries to proceed by analogy in that regard. You know, I'm from Buffalo, New York. There's a wonderful parochialism freedom that kind of a -- from a rust belt, not huge cities, you know? And Freud wrote an essay called, 'Narcissism of Perceived Difference.' And there's a certain narcissism of perceived difference that pertains in the surfing world, too, which is -- if you don't surf -- impossible to understand. And we used to say that from Buffalo -- if you're not from Buffalo...I mean, I guess you're American. But if you don't really get it, you don't get it. And you say, like, 'Well, he's from Rochester...what can he know?'

"As time goes on, you come to realize what seemed to be chasms of difference which cannot be bridged turn out not even to exist. So in terms of surfing, you know, I was talking about this research project in pharmacology into which I was dragooned at the age of...The freon aspect began when I was eight, and then I was transferred over to the alcohol project...And then subsequently to narcotics. And in all of that research...to the extent that there was a coherent intention, it was to ride a wave, which one could generate on one's own terms, and the self was suppressed and the sense of -- I used to -- nitrous oxide. I was involved in the subsidiary project involving nitrous oxide."

Anyway, you get the idea. May David Milch surf far and long. Especially when he's on dry land. He's clearly caught an alpha wave and is sitting on top of the world.

Perhaps a Better Name For It Would Be 'Law & Order: Special Native American Victims Unit'

Pasadena, CA -- Who ya gonna call when so many have tried and failed to adapt the seminal 1971 American Indian non-fiction tome "Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee" into a movie? Your go-to guy has to be Dick Wolf, whose "Law & Order" franchise is -- with apologies to "CSI" -- the most successful in television history (or darn close to it). It took exec producer Wolf to finally get the job done, and he's doing it for HBO (his first cavle project ever after a seeming lifetime spent in the broadcast world, specifically at NBC).

As Wolf recalled it to the critics gathered here for the semiannual Television Critics Association press tour on Friday, he was approached by fellow producer Tom Thayer about six years ago "and it was fast-tracked from there, and here we are five and a half years later. Maybe a new record for HBO."

Wolf hasn't done many movies. He's a series guy, of course, specializing in series that seem to run forever and ever (the original "Law & Order" is in season 18, a mere two years shy of "Gunsmoke's" drama record of 20. Asked if he's now been "bitten by the movie bug," he spoke to the importance of the project while noting, "It is an incredibly attenuated process."

He added, "You always get into trouble when you start talking about things that are important. This movie is actually important. And I think that it will affect people's way of thinking about part of our history...What you take away from the film isn't limited to the United States. The important message is, when any society says to another group...that our way of life will be better for you, and we have a better plan than you have, you get into real trouble. That's why the world is multi-cultural and multi-colored."

Wolf admitted he loved being in business with HBO for the first time and that he would do "anything" the network wanted him to given the strictures that he's under contractually. "I would love to send some network people in to intern there for a while." He also noted the blessing and curse of working with a network that's so deliberate in its original production pace. "But the reality is (HBO) ends up doing it right. Sometimes it's way too expensive, apparently like 'Rome.' But 'Rome' is one of the most awesome television achievements to me in the past 20 years. Again, it was that you look at it and go, 'Boy, they really didn't care how much it cost'."

Not Your Daddy's HBO Session

Pasadena, CA -- This wasn't exactly the sexiest moment HBO has ever enjoyed before the nation's TV critics. Part of that can be ascribed to the fact this is a network in something of a transitional state. "The Sopranos" will be disappearing after its final nine episodes this spring. "Deadwood" leaves the multiple-episode grind for a couple of TV-movies before saying "@##!!!&%@!" (that's how they said "Sayonara" in the Old West). Also going bye-bye soon: "Rome" and "Extra" (after two seasons apiece).

What this left HBO on Friday was three sessions about TV-movies, one about a forthcoming documentary from House speaker Nancy Pelosi's kid ("Friends of God: A Road Trip with Alexandra Pelosi"), another promoting the forthcoming summertime drama "John From Cincinnati" from "Deadwood" creator/producer David Milch and (thankfully) a typically animated session with Bill Maher hyping his "Real Time with Bill Maher" late-night show that returns on Feb. 16.

Yes, it was good that Maher swooped in to rescue an otherwise ho-hum afternoon -- as did Milch, a true, if wildly eccentric, Rennaissance man if ever there was one. I'll do a longer post about Milch over the weekend, but here's a taste of Maher first:

"You know, I don't listen to guests because they pay me the same whether I listen or not. So to me, it's, 'Bullshit-bullshit-bullshit-my line'."

"As I always say, truth is like sex; it's best when it's a little painful."

There would be no announcement this day that HBO had managed to twist David Chase's arm and convinced him to accept another $100 million in exchange for three additional seasons of "The Sopranos." No, it appears that the show really is leaving us after its final nine that begin airing on April 8. Creator Chase, however, will write and direct the series finale when the extended family members all are killed in an FBI ambush and dumped in the Hudson River.

Oh, wait...was I supposed to keep that quiet?

This Is Your Brain On Cats

Pasadena, CA -- So they turned the Ritz-Carlton Huntington Hotel here into a cathouse, as it were, for the GSN network's presentation before the TV critics. It was to promote its coverage of "Cat-minster: CFA International Cat Championship" (the "Cat-minster" part is the network's own creation, I believe). It's a two-hour feline fest airing on March 27.

But anyway, for the event GSN decided to tote along several of the championship cats for in-person perusal. This, however, may not have been the finest-ever idea as a handful of the gathered critics immediately hightailed it for the exit in fear of allergy attack. On the other hand, several others (humans, that is) were inspired to hold and, um, interview the prize cats. You sometimes need to claw and scrape to find material at these things.

No word on whether any of the critics planned to file suit over the allergy cat-astrophe. And it clearly could have been worse. At least there were no peanuts on the table.

When News Breaks, They Fix It!

Pasadena, CA -- While I wasn't in actual attendance to witness this, it was a telling moment on Thursday when MTV Networks came face to face with a breaking story during the TV critics confab that it was woefully ill-equipped to handle. Indeed, MTV had the misfortune of having its session at the precise moment when its COO Michael Wolf was making his resignation public. Yet for some 2 1/2 hours, the news was treated like the elephant in the room that it was -- which is to say, completely unaddressed.

One of the critics (actually my pal David Kronke of the L.A. Daily News, who has grown to become the conscience of this gathering -- whether the issue be resignation or masturbation) finally piped up with the following query to Brian Graden, president of entertainment for MTV Networks Music Group and president of the network Logo: "It's my understanding that news is supposed to be dispensed during the press tour. So why have we been here for 2 1/2 hours and no one has mentioned that Michael Wolf resigned today, and what can you tell us about the particulars of that resignation?"

Graden: "Blessedly, it's above my pay grade. Very sincerely, it's an MTV Networks corporate move, and so I don't have a comment because it simply wasn't a decision I was involved in making."

No, the decision appears to have been Wolf's, but that's somewhat irrelevant. The bottom line is that with all of the hype and propaganda that typically colors these press tour extravaganzas, the one element that's typically in short supply is genuine news. And if you're a network that doesn't have your spin cycle in motion -- if, say, you're still on "wash" or "rinse" -- the instinct is to cover up like an outclassed boxer or put your hands over your ears and shout, "I can't hear you! La-la-la-la-la!"

Writes Kronke on his blog The Mayor of Television: "This incident, perhaps more than any other in the history of the TV press tour, underscores its essential pointlessness. It proves the utter contempt networks have for the journalists who cover them...No, in the TV network’s executive’s mind, journalists are merely unwitting stooges whose only value lie in their propensity to uncastigatingly promote otherwise unwatchable programming while caged in a hermetically sealed environment where groupspeak is God."

More Compelling Evidence For Why the Rest of the World Can't Stand the Sight of Us

Pasadena, CA -- Last week, I reviewed a dreadful new reality series on Oxygen entitled "Tease" that found hairstylists facing off in blow-dry by blow-dry combat. I couldn't have imagined while watching it that I was witnessing the beginning of a trend. But that's what is so beautiful about the niche programming world in which we now live. Yesterday's really insane idea (I style, therefore I am) is today's Big Thing. Because this morning at an NBCU Cable session for Bravo, we all learned here that the network had enlisted the participation of one Jaclyn Smith to host the forthcoming eight-episode reality series "Shear Genius."

"Shear Genius" had been previously announced under the title "Top Hair," evidently because the names "I'm Just Wild About Hairy," "To Hair Is Human" and "Hair To the Throne" already were taken. It promises to put the spotlight on the "client-driven, high-end competitive world of hairstyling." I just never could have foreseen an entire new end of the unscripted arena based on the concept that my comb is better than your comb. But that's what is so wonderful about covering TV: it'll constantly surprise ya. It surely does me.

Back On the TV Critics Beat

Pasadena, CA -- Sorry for the brief interruption from my TV critics press tour duties the past few days. Circumstances kept me from attending during the middle two days of the cable portion. But it seems as if I didn't really miss all that much. Jennifer Lopez (do we still call her JLo?) was here on Thursday to promote her new MTV dance show "DanceLife" that she's executive producing. That was kinda big. But really, when you're not here, it isn't like you're missing a huge amount. And therein lies the dilemma for the Television Critics Association and the networks they so dutifully cover.

There is the perception among the visiting out-of-town press that these gatherings are essential for gathering quotes, meeting people in the biz face to face, shooting the breeze. But the truth is that sending journalists has grown prohibitively expensive at a time when newspapers are struggling mightily to retain circulation. One of the first things to get deep-sixed is sending the reporter to Pasadena.

For this and other reasons, I'm fairly certain that these shindigs will all move online within the next 3 to 5 years and will cease to exist in the current semiannual configuration. It's too easy to get everything on the Net: live interviews, chatrooms, transcripts, the whole shebang. Yes, one can argue, you can't get quite the same interview over an electronic screen or video conference as you can in person. Perhaps. But it isn't enough of a reason for newspapers, magazines and networks to continue holding these gatherings as live events.

Just food for thought. On with the show.

Courteney Cox Likes It Very Much When TV Critics Fantasize About Her

The above headline notwithstanding, if you're Courteney Cox, do you really want this group of guys thinking of you in that way? Well, evidently so, as was revealed on Tuesday during the current TV Press Tour in Pasadena. It all started when San Francisco Chronicle TV critic Tim Goodman opined in his review of Cox's new FX tabloid drama "Dirt" that he couldn't really imagine her being the one whom guys thought of while engaged in acts of self-stimulation, if you will (this, after doing it to herself during the "Dirt" premiere). His exact quote: "No offense intended to Cox, but she's not the type of woman that men tend to imagine in the masturbation arena."

During a subsequent appearance on Jimmy Kimmel's late-night ABC talk show, Cox -- responding after Kimmel quoted from the review -- was irritated by the idea that no one found her fantasy-worthy, as it were. But then, on his blog The Bastard Machine, Goodman retracted his observation, having watched Cox walk onstage for her Kimmel interview and finding her sufficiently hot to render his previous view obsolete.

Only one man, however, had the nerve to ask Cox during her session before the critics if Goodman's apology made her feel warm all over: my friend David Kronke of the Los Angeles Daily News, aka The Mayor of Television. He expressed dismay that the critics were asking "only questions pertaining to the show 'Dirt' itself" and that it fell to him to ask the "one question that actually required to be asked."

Dare I say, it's at times like this that great men rise to the challenge. The TV critics of America are in the Mayor's debt.

When Life Hands You Weather, Make Weather-ade

Why is Harry Connick Jr. hosting a show called "The 100 Biggest Weather Moments" on cable's The Weather Channel? Alas, he wasn't available to answer on Tuesday at the Television Critics Association press tour event in Pasadena, but it turned out to be merely one of several questions surrounding a series (coming soon) that seems determined to transform everything that's ever happened in world history into an offshoot of a weather phenomena of some sort.

Think I'm exaggerating? Consider this: remember the twister in "The Wizard of Oz"? That made the list of 100 biggest weather moments in history -- and Jennifer Garner is around to talk about tornados because (drum roll, please) she played a tornado in a play while she was in elementary school! Seriously. But wait! There's more. Stradivarius violins...they're a weather "moment," too. Why? Because they were crafted during a century when the bitterly cold weather made for near-perfect wood in the construction. A snowy NFL Playoff game that was decided by a field goal -- another of the Big 100.

By this line of reasoning, if say Mel Gibson had been arrested for drunk driving in a rainstorm rather than clear weather, that would doubtlessly have made the cut because of the water falling from the sky at the time and the potential for his car to have hydroplaned.

I thus feel confident that were I to walk to the store tonight to purchase a scratch-off lottery ticket, scratch it off in the store, find that it's a loser and remark to the clerk, "It'll be a cold day in hell before I ever win with one of these things," it shouldn't be too late for me to crack the list as the first guy ever to accurately connect his own poor luck with weather patterns in Southern climates prone to spontaneous combustion.

The TV Critics Are Back In Town (Everyone Pretend To Be Normal)

PASADENA, CA -- They speak loudly, and they carry a big stick up their...well, you know where. They are the television critics of America, and they do not suffer fools or foolish programming gladly. They don't greet you, they don't applaud, they question your every production move, they eat your food. They typically spare the women and children, but only if they aren't on a panel or otherwise in an official capacity. If you ever have the misfortune of running into them, don't meet their beady-eyed stares. It will only make them angrier.

Okay, I'm exaggerating. They won't spare the women and children, either.

It is indeed time once again for that semiannual rite known as the Television Press Tour, which kicked off this morning here at the Ritz-Carlton Huntington Hotel with something of a whimper. The nation's TV reviewers are invited to come in, watch shows, interview stars and production types and then leave two weeks later having collected a cache of broken hearts, shattered dreams and punctured egos. Some travel to Africa to chase antelope. These folk fly to Hollywood to bag 800-pound gorillas.

Actually, it's not really that way at all. The reputation these critics have for being pasty-faced, sedentary and disdainful -- while often accurate -- is entirely understandable given three key factors: 1. They are kept so busy here there's little time for sun; 2. They are so plied with high-calorie food and drink it makes exercise generally unthinkable; 3. They have been at this gig so long that the running stream of network sales pitches and propaganda serves to leave them frustrated, suspicious and impatient.

I've been at this TV critique thing since 1984 and have thus been coming to these little events for going on 23 years. The faces change, but the way the event is run remains relatively static. I am fortunate in that I'm not trapped in Pasadena without escape as are the majority of the out of town press corps. I'm local, so I can bop back and forth. That makes a massive difference in keeping my tolerance level high. I offer this as a caveat not to distance myself from the group think (I'm pretty pasty-faced and disdainful too) but to perhaps explain why I don't feel quite so beaten down as most of my veteran colleagues.

What you hear whispered (sometimes shouted) around each and every critics event is how little news there is, how crappy the shows are, how dull the interview subjects have turned out to be. The publicity-generating slog was described by San Francisco Chronicle TV critic Tim Goodman last July as a "death march with cocktails," and that pretty much seems to sum up the feelings of the majority here. It is at best a necessary evil to be endured, at worst an enervating blow to one's mental health and overall well-being.

I often join in this negative chorus. And make no mistake, I'll be taking plenty of my own shots between now and Jan. 21. But this time I feel like I have a broader and thus more positive outlook for a couple of reasons that have nothing to do with lobotomy or the ingestion of anti-depressants.

For one, I've come to the conclusion that this TV critique gig is a pretty cushy way to make a living. It really just doesn't pay to bitch about having to watch television to earn one's keep. There isn't a deep pool of sympathy there, nor should there be. Yeah, there's a lot of painful product that one must view, but then we get to write about it and make fodder of it and show the world how clever we can be riffing about something that's so dreadful. Even when we lose, we win.

It's equally tough to muster much compassion for those of us covering this press tour event. We sit with tape recorders and laptops and pens, recording, making light, firing out probing and/or condescending questions. Then we eat like there's no tomorrow, drink like fish, rub elbows with stars at parties, collect swag, hunker down in our high-end hotel room and gather respect and admiration from those who think we're cool simply by virtue of having this job. There is zero heavy lifting. We need not go down into any coal mines and risk our lives. We don't have to scrub any toilets or clean up anyone's mess. And in this job, we get to be on offense all the time (in every sense of the term).

All in all, not a bad litle deal, you know?

But I have another reason for feeling grateful just to be part of this fairly privileged club. Cathy Seipp, long a fellow critic and longer an adored friend, is very sick with lung cancer right now. The keeper of the superb blog Cathy's World always sits beside me at these events and has regularly been my irreverent partner in crime, poking fun at those in our midst with fairly relentless abandon. She gave it her best shot today but was able to stay in Pasadena only about an hour before pain and fatigue forced Cathy to make her exit.

I fear I won't have Cathy at my side throughout much of this critics extravaganza. I'm not going to get maudlin about this, as it would only inspire her to beat me senseless. So instead I'll simply use these feelings of anguish at her condition to take a perspective inventory that I share with all critics in attendance as well as anyone who reads this blog. Any critic who's feeling resentful for having to endure this occupational speedbump should know that one of his esteemed colleagues finds it sufficiently important that she used literally every ounce of her strength to make it there, however briefly.

In Cathy's honor, I promise to be extra-probing and even a little prickly while attending the critics shindig this week and next. But I also vow to appreciate just how sweet simply showing up can be.